Sunday, 31 May 2015

AfB: Mysterious Men Who Like to Sit

Hi, readers. It's been a while, mostly because I've been lazy. But also because the mysterious men of Bleach have also been a bit lazy. They haven't really gotten around to doing much besides be mysterious, you see.

Things'll change, after just forty or so of the fights he hates! He won't be sitting anymore, he won't be sitting in a blank featureless room! He's looking to advance his station in life!
Oh sure, Yhwach slurped up the Soul King and became even more omnipotent, but only after dozens and dozens of chapters of truly heady stalling.

"Now, uhhh... Hmm. You wanna go out, Haschwaldt? Maybe, I dunno, grab a bite? Long day. Yeeeep."
 What happened to the boots, Bach my man? They were fetching!

Can you blame them for wanting to take it a bit easy? A solid ninety percent of this whole war saga has been about commuting between various planes of existence. Bopping between heaven, hell and three or four other goddamn pocket dimensions a dozen times in a day has got to be an exhausting itinerary. Besides, the whole of reality is about to receive a fresh new paint job; any sightseeing they might have been able to do on their wild Chutes and Ladders ride through space has been rendered thoroughly un-Tripadvisor-able!

So there's only one thing left for us. Let's all take a page from the clear vital moral this series is trying to tell us, sit down with a , and ramble about inconsequential filler fluff in a disorganized fashion!

The Mystery of the (Previously) Sitting Sulking Soul King!

 Who could forget the mysterious bad boy, the character so charismatic he can stare the universe into behaving without speaking a single word!

What would we do without his regal guidance?  With his standing around and doing nothing but look pretty, he serves just as much utility as modern day royalty down here among the living!

Reasons we've been supplied to care about the Soul King dying:
*The world will end
*Yhwach has some grudge against him
*He had bone-shaped pupils
*It's a cliffhanger

Of these, the most gripping is clearly the frog eyes. I mean, he was in a goddamn cocoon. You can't tell me he wasn't a beautiful tadpole about to hatch and clean this wretched Soul Society by using Water Gun.

And Yhwach had to TAKE IT AWAY!!

Get that man some immediate medical attention! He's an amputee!!
grrrrr >:[

Damn, Soul King, you have such an interesting blood splatter style. Forensic scientists must hate you!
Still, would it not have behooved Kubo to unearth at least one of the glittering jewels stuck inside the extremely dense soil that is his mind? Give us something to latch onto about this poor, doomed plot device of a man?

Well, the reason he's missing at least one of his limbs is because his right hand is a grotesque eye god worshiped by the commoners!


It intervened to save baby Ukitake from his lethal lung disease, and then no doubt his parents bargained with it further to make Ukitake captain-level powerful. Let's just say divine hands need divine handjobs.

So in order to cover for the Soul King's shameful unkingly faux pas of getting stabbed through the chest and by that dint generally mucking up his cosmic policy management, kind, loyal Ukitake sacrificed his lungs and died to replace the Soul King.

"Yeah, they told me it's a Maori tribal design. But then it started moving and shit, and don't look at me like that, I ain't toked since yesterday."
Really, however, this was all just an extremely clever coup on his part. After all, according to Ginjou, Ukitake is quite the inveterate mysterious schemer.

Not pictured: Ichigo trying to lick his nose

Unfortunately, this heroic sacrifice to stop the universe from unraveling is invalidated when Bach slurps up the Soul King anyway.


Graduating from almighty to surprisingly mighty!

Nah, dude, that piddly level of power is shit the Board at Goldman Sachs yawns at.
Those aren't lungs! Those are eyes! No wonder you were hurting, Uki!

I guess we should be thanking Bach, though? The universe isn't going to collapse anymore, right? What was his goal again? What are we supposed to be worried about? I'm so fucking confused.
 This series is so incoherent, nothing makes any sense. I hope we get some more explanation down the line, but I'm sure Kubo will provide the information we need to make all this click, and prioritize the germane information at that!

In the meantime, all we can be sure of is that wherever it is Ukitake's sitting now, he's joined Komamura in the club of captains who offered up an organ in the line of duty.

Look, it was foreshadowed right there!

Ichibei Sits After a Tiring Stomp!

Sorry, dude! Jeez!

"As long as you don't upskirt me."
 YOU!! SHALL NOT!! be allowed to proceed

Ichibei's fight was one of the only genuinely entertaining scuffles, with the likably jolly yet badass old man pulling dozens of cool-sounding abilities that have to do with the power of names and words.

*He has strength enough to send you flying 1,000 ri
*He can halve your power level by slicing your name
*He knows the names of all things
*He can control all of the world's "black" and thereby render his enemy unto a mere black ant.
*He can summon a giant foot, too!

I dare say he's the most creative character in Bleach since ages ago.
Well if THAT ain't an unfortunate typesetting mistake!
 God, it's always the people you thought were cool in history that end up having been virulent racists. goddammit ichibei

Then Bach wins via his bullshit hax, the invincible ability to KNOW EVERYTHING HE SEES and BE UNTOUCHABLE BY EVERYTHING HE KNOWS. ("The Almighty.") Jesus Christ, Kubo, I thought you'd learned your lesson not to write yourself into a corner from the Aizen ordeal. How the fuck is Ichigo supposed to beat this guy if he can't even defy his orders?? Also, what a boring copout ability. It's like when little kids play make believe and one just bypasses all creativity and imagination with a super duper impregnable force field. Well, thanks for ending the fun, Timmy.

Why this wasn't a factor in Bach's previous fight, I don't know. I guess in order to understand Kubo's Russian nesting doll of secrets I need eyes like Bach's!

"You know what they always say: A man can never have enough eyes."

This is what happens when you neglect to bully a kid named Yhwach.

So Bach was invincible to begin with, but he really wanted was the power to sit on his duff at the Soul Palace of his dreams. Personally, I'd have shot for the sweepstakes win.

Now That Yhwach Is Soul King, His Righteous Reign Will Resume the Sitting

Yhwach was no stranger to not doing much of anything for long periods of time, of course. For one, there was the whole 999 years of immobility business (the itching of his mustache would have driven a lesser man insane). Even before whatever wacky series of misunderstandings caused him and Soul Society to have an unfortunate falling out, he was not exactly a go-getter as an infant.

Get a job, freeloader!
And after his long-awaited return, the man was awfully content to resume sitting in Hueco Mundo, murdering far more of his own soldiers than he ever did of the enemy in the meantime.

"...I should stop killing my soldiers."
And ever since Kubo decided the alphabet was too long after all and culled the remaining Sternritters, thereby making the prior fights entirely pointless (Yhwach doesn't like fights), all of the Vandenreich have now assumed their proper seats inside of Yhwach, as many as 5 or 6 abiding within each shaft of nosehair. One wonders why the Quincies under Bach were prepared to throw their lives away to end the universe but not to be absorbed by Bach.
Pictured: Sternritters filling into Bach's mustache.
Much like the President of the United States spends his political capital making his first act in office on the heels of his electoral mandate redecorating the Oval Office, so too has Bach's sinister new direction for the nation reflected his personal taste in decor.

Five! Five places for sitting!

I would like to remind the readers that before introducing any sort of insight into Yhwach's inner being, anything about him that might make this struggle against him thematically engaging, Kubo literally showed us what he'd do with unlimited power and it was--a different configuration of whiteness, then sit.
There's only so long you can string readers along before you have to start supplying information, context. Otherwise the "mystery" isn't so much intriguing as it is empty.

Aizen and His Wonder Chair!

You know who else we know next to nothing about??

"Where are your wings!?"
Not only do we still have no inkling of Aizen's past, despite Kubo going out of his way to bring him back, we don't even really understand why he's so powerful. And why was he keen to become Soul King? What would his Soul Palace, the scenery of his purest desires, have looked like? (An amusement park? A gas station? Las Noches only with furniture this time?) And how many eyeball-riddled wings would he have sprouted, and would those wings have been able to talk?

"How did I lose an eye? Isn't it obvious? I finally managed to choke one off but alas, was unable to direct the spray."
 I really would have appreciated at least something humanizing as Aizen emerged from his years-long isolation, like some disorientation or a beard or anything. Some hook to care besides "Look who's back! Okay, back into the hole once you've served your purpose."

Soul Society did him a favor sticking him in that chair, though--no longer will the spine of Aizen's unnerving 11-head-tall body need to be braced by a butterfly ectoskeleton. (Advancements in butterfly extoskeletons are painfully slow and unconscionably underfunded!) No, they have given him the ultimate answer in ergonomics. That which is blessed to be warmed by history's most powerful cheeks--The chair that's truly fit for a soul king!

For all your shooting it down needs, call 555-......
Speaking of another person who just can't wait to be king...

Grimmjow Sits On Our Plot, Only to Get Off the Pot

Well, if it isn't everybody's most take-him-or-leave-him afterthought mystery foot himself! Finally decided to join the party, eh, Grimmjow? Nice, it only took a million years since the mystery foot cliffhanger, but now that you're around, I'm sure you'll remain an important fixture of the proceedings!

The chapter he makes his triumphant return, he's sidelined in short order by a bevy of other characters whose relevance outside of ticking off a send-of-series checklist is questionable at best.

Pictured: end result of the mashing of countless tormented souls, a being of relentless aching hunger
At least Neliel is still likeable, but considering we already have fifteen thousand other incidental characters to deal with, I can't help but feel a little wistful that a good character is lost in the shuffle of a phonebook's worth of mediocre ones.

But you know, I can think of someone else who might resent Neliel right now...

Haribel Continues to Sit With Pride and Style, Showing Grimmjow How It's Done

"Hellooooo? I want my souls now, please."
Look at that sitting form! It's art, art I tell you!!

RUS 10.0
USA 10.0
CHN 10.0
 FRA 10.0

Halibel isn't the only one who's used to periphery existence, however...

Asshole Beret and RIRURIRURIRU Sit Back Down Precisely One Chapter After Being Reintroduced

In case you aren't privy to some of my finest, most expertly crafted works of hate speech, I get a kick out of despising Dokugamine Riruka. You'll remember that it's not my fault, since Dokugamine means "erroneous conception, birthed of sheer folly" and Riruka means "If her head were divested from her neck by the snapping, slavering jaws of a gigantic hyena, people would stop complaining about all things."

"Is that what you're wearing to save the world? No no, it's nothing. I just didn't think you were stupid, is all."
Alas, she has returned, as always in a state of arrested development. Gee, Riruka, I wonder if you're going to snipe bitchily for no reason and then sort-of blush when Ichigo says something "cool," only to snap back to the attitude that everyone is beneath you. We really needed a second helping of that.

A being such as Riruka existing is far more fanciful and alien a concept than any Hollow or mad Quinzi could ever be. As we speak, my fist is pulsating with atomic power at the thought of punching away the segment of the grand scroll of human history that lead up to her, thereby coring out modern medicine and the development of human rights ideals as acceptable losses.

The ways Riruka should suffer:
a. Have scrotum skin surgically implanted over her forehead with 500% more nerve endings than a normal scrotum so that a nail may be subsequently driven into said scrotum skin, penetrating her brain just deep enough to inject a key stimulating agent to hypercharge her pain center.
b. Lure her into a fun water balloon fight, only for her to discover the water balloons are actually filled with surprise! lava.
c. An inescapable dinner date at a particularly unhygienic Subway's with U.S. Congressman Louie Gohmert, his voice chemically altered to sound like the unholy marriage of a vuvuzela and a kazoo.
d. Force her at gunpoint to read aloud the entire Fullbringer arc while unceasingly eating a steady stream of donuts at the same time.
e. Ask her to babysit Asshole Beret.

In his magnanimity, Kubo truly picked the most torturous of the lot!

"On second thought, I'm not sure I want to preserve a world that has you in it." "Omg, I feel the same way!!"
Truly, they deserve each other.

Speaking of Fullbringers...

Tsukishima Sits Over History

"We just finished gluing Giriko's halves back together! And Ginjou used his ramen to stitch him back to normal! He might even be presentable in a hundred chapters or so!" "Why didn't Tsukishima just stab him hale and healthy?" "Hahahahah! That's a good one!"
A casual reminder that Tsukishima could solve all of this extremely easily. Among the myriad other infinities of things he could do to alter the past, it's not hard to kick a catatonic baby in the head. Don't stop kicking till mama sees blood from the other room! Personally, I would love to see a final villain fall by having his head kicked in as a baby.

Kubo Sits For a Living

It takes a man of incredible resolve to stew in the miasma of his own farts for days on end, no matter how magnificently those farts smell of unadulterated Kubo. 

Kubo Fact 1: Kubo siphons sugar from objects through the suction organs in his incisors to fuel his long days of manga
Kubo Fact 2: That's a lot of ink to be inhaling without one's brain being affected

Kubo Fact 3: The white things of this world are his to command.
Kubo Fact 4: This is a little known picture of him auditioning for ISIS
Kubo Fact 5: Five assistants went into the making of this weiner


  1. I really need to start my article on the soul king.

  2. " sit down with a" what ? A what ?


  3. "...I should stop killing my soldiers."

    Who are you and what have you done with the real Bach ? Also no, please, sit down, literally any sign of self awareness puts you leagues above Bach. Have some tea.

  4. "There's only so long you can string readers along before you have to start supplying information, context. Otherwise the "mystery" isn't so much intriguing as it is empty."

    But Glib ol' bean that is precisely what the "mystery" in Bleach always was. Because not even Kubo knows what his characters are talking about, and he usually has them alude to things in the most generifc, non specific terms imaginable so really, he's not having them "foreshadow" anyting but just repeatedly go "we have a secret that someone else you know may perhaps also know but we won't say either way and we will also not adress whether or not this secret has anything to do with you".

    Surprisingly in probably MORE words then that.

    1. It's not even that much D. Kubo will just pick a random chapter, then a random page, then a random bit some character said or did, and insert something pertaining to it in a later chapter and say it was foreshadowed. Oh that reminds me, I should get to work on the "Kubo's 4 Levels of Secrets". Or as I like to call it, Kubo's Bullshit Insurance Policy.