Why Bleach should tank in the Ratings

So
, we like to all take cracks at Kubo, for obvious reasons.

I am no exception and recently joked that his editors and assistants are being paid for giving each other piggy back rides as Kubo is left to his own devices, wasting a year's worth of grade A black ink (and possibly running about his studio, dumping it by the bucket on gigantic canvases, while reciting his poetry) and that instead they should probably try to do their jobs.

I realise that the story is not supposed to be tailored specifically to me, and I realise that as long as the series makes money the editors have done their job more or less without fault as far as Jump is concerned.

However that does not mean that I no longer think that what I said is at least partially true. The man needs to be reeled in and kept withint bounds. Because his success is clearly not making him want to change his habbits, and if he just did what he did with Bleach and then went on to his daily life I could possibly see that as not being a bad thing.

But the problem is all the fame for his minimalist efforts seems to have gone to his head. Remember his chapter titles he writes in english even when he has no idea what he's actually writing (Why Me Sad instantly springs to mind) ? The ones that are at best trite platitudes ?

Yes this is a thing that exists

Well turns out he's supposedly loves just how gosh darn clever he is with coming up with them he has them plastered on his own furniture.

A breathtaking example of hubris that one would have to be pretty damn amazing at what you do in order not to make a huge target of oneself.

......

This is one of the many reasons I think Bleach would be better off if it would founder in the ratings for a bit, and then hey, maybe the story and narrative structure might improve as consequence....or maybe Kubo will just go into hyper drive to get the arc with as fast as possible like what happened with the Arc That Must Not Be Named (mostly to avoid me going on another five hour tangent).

AFB: Quincy Queries

I know it's from a bygone time, wee lads, but massage your mind and try to remember, a time when Quincies were actually human! It seems like that conception of Quincies was from around roughly the era of Australopithecus at this point!

Please, tell us about your tragic past

Now I'm not sure what bizarre, tortured automatons they might be, but they sure as fuck ain't human.

Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, FINALE

Let's tackle the rest of this quaint little fic we're all far superior to

When last we left off

• More random ghost sex from extremely forced pairings
• Senna from Movie 1 helps the our men in uniform
• Ichigo's family held to ransom him to unlock Soul Society for slaughter! They should have just waited for the following Tuesday, SS was already naturally due for another apocalypse
• Russia in turmoil from civil war! Will IMRAN ZAKHAEV's name sound even eviler, now that the ultranationalist insurgency has reached its apex?
• The military of the nation of heroes mounts its attack on AL-ASAD's jihadist compound, but he managed to slip away! Meanwhile, insanely powerful gods among men Kariya, Gin and Aizen twiddle their thumbs as they watch their puny human comrade in awe.
• Hinamori is Hitsugaya's new lieutenant, as paperwork is a foremost priority during a time of crisis and leaving a division without a captain or a vice captain is an amazing idea
• The Gotei 13 discovers Aizen's illicit stash of nuclear warhead blueprints and... and...

PICTURES OF THE RUKONGAI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Although I can see why they'd want to censor such photos

More shock and terror and ghost boobs after the jump

Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, Pt. 3

When last we left off, Ichigo was given a reason to fight the evil jihadists when his points of vulnerability, otherwise known as sisters, found their kawaii faces rammed into dark spaces for gunpoint ransom. Meanwhile, the evil shinigami are inexplicably terrified by the terrorist boss, and his base is attacked by Marines whose exploits I don`t care enough to describe!!

Also Kariya

Haven`t you heard that old adage, to get the WIND KICKED OUT OF YOU

I love that I get to use the vampires tag for this review series.

Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, Pt. 2

When last we left off:

• Rangiku had been banished so that she may become entangled with Ichigo SEXUALLY
• Aizen, Ichimaru and KARIYA had seen fit to lend their aid to Russian secessionists with a taste for jihad, for reasons yet unknown but probably diabolical in nature. SS doesn't know Aizen and Ichimaru are bad guys yet, so this is set before the SS Arc??
• The US and British governments had sent their best and brightest soldiers to rescue their Russian informant in the wake of the assassination of the "President" of Saudi Arabia at the hands of the jihadist leader, the evil Al-Asad.
• The scalps of Syria's Bashar Al-Assad and Kariya Jin are both exceedingly flat.

 

"Ahaha, you are silly and likely Western trash-dog spy. Your shoulders are like runway of my jet"

"Yeah well at least *I* don't look as though anybody could come over and lift and detach my face by cupping my ears."

Place your bets for what happens next before the jump, we're diving into Chapters 5-8!

Attack From Behind: What the Fuck Are You, Ichigo

In this column, we will explore what in the fuck kind of twelvefold mongrel Ichigo has become over the course of the series. No, I'm not talking about the art evolution

HELLO! LIVING INSIDE SKIN IS A HUMAN ACTIVITY, CORRECT, YOU FRIENDS? BODIES ARE NOT CURRENTLY SNATCHED

For all Ichigo interacts with his friends, this would seem perfectly normal to them

No, I'm talking about Ichigo's greedy assimilation of essences!

Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, Pt. 1

My friends, it's time I pitched a throwback to those glorious old days I riffed badfic. I'm in a jovial mood and a certain horror must be mocked for our amusement.

That badfic is Bleach: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

After fighting enemies in every arcs, and every thing that they overcome, the Soul Society faces a new and powerful enemy. That enemy... is terrorism. Welcome to the world... of Modern Warfare. Based on the video game. Ichigo/Rangiku. Another couple.

Another couple!? MY CURIOSITY IS WHETTED.

Hole of Reproach: Juha Bach (Up to Chapter 536)

To start out this corner, let me just say this:  I know I've barely done anything recently but others are doing such a good job I felt a bit at a loss what to do. But I finaly thought of a fitting topic.

The state of Juha Bach's character 52 chapters after he was introduced. I realise It would be better to do this when Bach would actualy show up next time, but since Kubo's extremely ill-placed flashback seems to be going into it's second phase now at 8 chapters in and, knowing Kubo, it's likely the following chapters will have extremely slow pacing as he tries to shock his readers by having a single thing happening be the ending stinger as usual when he gets Aizen/anything involving the use of dialogue involved and I just want to get this out there before the next ice age sets in.

Starting off, we got out first glimpse of Bach at the end of chapter 484 where he proceeds to maim one of his lieutenants out of nowhere, all because

....right. The chapter ends there. The next one picks up with Bach telling the guy who'se arm he just ripped off that he can give his report lying down....but that he'll cut off his legs if he does.

But this shining example of compassion is immediately outdone in, in my opinion, one of the most infamous scenes Bach has been in so far. You see Bach and his army are planning a military invasion of Soul Society. So naturaly the last thing Bach would want to do is plan ahead in any way.

....No, I'm serious, he berates the guy for talking about the future, spouting hippy-esque crap like "I don't care about the future, I want to know about now !"....

only to then immediately kill the guy. Apparently for not only issuing an ultimatum, but for doing the job he sent him out to do.

And for an encore, he then kills the guy standing next to him, not even for a stated reason, simply because he "finished his objective" by stallig Ichigo previously. Of course having a guy around who actualy knows how he fights seems like a smart idea, but that's planning for the future so of course it probably never crosses Juha's mind. I wonder if when Ichigo beats his Quincy guards who never fought him before he'll still think it was a good idea.

Also when Bach first showed up he had a habbit of talking about peace, which is of course perfectly in line with military invasion and genocide. But then again what do you expect from someone wo speaks such a cold, harsh language as german ?

Anyways Ol' Desert Fox then hears about Ichigo fighting Opie and decides to go to Soul Society, saying Opie will keep him busy for a while....I love that this sort of thing is only thinking about "the future" when others do it.

Thereafter, well, Juha Bach doesn't actualy do anything we thought Juha Bach was doing due to the whole Llory/Rroyd business which means Kenpachi's incredibly poorly designed hax power of "being stronger" got beaten by a random flunky and not even the main bad guy. This is revealed after the shocking reveal of our Beloved Okkiba. Though it was apparently recently revealed he's not dead so that's a major relief. Problem is it sets up alot of dialogue between "Bach" and Yama that now has absolutely zero meaning behind it. Which is why I think it was actualy Bach until Kubo had one of his "briliant" ideas.

Then we have Bach come in front of Yama, say how he met Aizen (which is the extremely contrived reason for why he has to fuck off later), then kills Yamamoto and leaves after a pointless fight with Ichigo which does nothing but reminds the audience that yes, Kubo is still to explain Ichigo's backstory at 514 chapters into the series when Isshin promised to do that two years ago, in story.

So....what have we learned about Bach's character between chaprers 484 and 514 ? Well in those thirty chapters he killed off Yamamoto unceremoniously, maimed his own troops and kept talking about peace while killing people for doing the job he ordered them to do, for no discernable reason.

And he also manages to be realy boring. The slight bit of non-smug behaviour we thought he showcased in the battle with Yama was actualy someone else, so all this character is reduced to is someone who kills his own men, while being overly powerfull, utterly invincible and horrily smug while doing it. Now who does this remind me o-

Yeah. Except that he doesn't have the excuse of completley nonsensical powers (yet) so all he does is cut people. And this during 30 chapters wherein he's mostly in the spotlight or at least at the helm.

Final verdict: Waiting to see if our Quincy overlord might get shafted for Aizen completely in the second part of the Isshin flashback and then I'll tell you.

Bleach Analysis: The Life and Times of Zaraki Kenpachi (REVISITED)

Hello, readers of Applied Logic! It's been a while, hasn't it? Four odd months? Well, since Kubo's half-assed "imagination" is rearing its ugly head, I need to get back into the game.

Today I'm gonna revisit my first article.....which centered on Kenpachi.

....Oh Christ, you guys are putting a gun to my cheek, aren't you?

Let's get right to it, then. When we left off, I was expressing my rage with Kubo by, through haphazard story telling, ruining one of the best characters of the manga.

Yes, I'm aware of the detractors. Yes, I know if he was sucked into One Piece or something, he wouldn't be as....flashy? And I'm not trying to offer a defense.

Simply put, he's no longer one of my favorites. The luster has been lost. And I don't see it coming back.

....Who can I still like? Ikkaku?

Moving on-

I covered to his actions to the beginning of the Quincy arc, where Juha Bach solos him and leaves him for dead. No wait, I'm sorry, his clone Royd. Gag me, Kubo.

But seeing as how Kubo is a slave to his fandom, both he and Byakuya survive. The latter surviving is a much more improbable situation, but whatever. The weird thing is.....while Byakuya goes with Ichigo to the Royal Realm....to um, heal....Kenpachi does not. First off, can someone explain this to me? I can buy Byakuya's wounds being more severe, but they're both Captains. Healing both at once would've been a smart move in Seireitei, since right before Division 0 arrives-

Gas mask nazis. Does this mean the Shinigami are the Jews? I freaking hope not.

 Seriously, if Renji gets to tag along....oh whatever.

While Kenpachi is recovering the more time-consuming way (under the 4th Division, ohoho we'll get to that), Solid Shunsui has a plan.



Oh darn, I dun spoiled the surprise!

Remember WAY back when we learned about Kenpachi's past.....and that he admired a woman named Yachiru, hence the reason for naming our favorite vice-captain that?

Apparently that woman was.....Unohana. Pros?

Well, this is a good chance to restore some emotional....depth to Kenpachi. See, Kyoraku's plan is to have Unohana train Kenpachi in the "art of killing" and doing so will have him learn the name of his zanpakutou! Whoa! Kubo.....you sure know how to please a reader.

And hey, two birds with one stone! We can learn about how.....Kenpachi admires Unohana.

STOP RIGHT THERE.

Do I have to explain how this situation makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER? Okay, so Kenpachi admired the Yachiru Unohana....yet there is no scene in the manga to indicate such a relationship between the two. Fluff, friendship, nothing.

But of course, this is Kubo. Retcons are his speciality!

And here's the other problem! She was also the first Kenpachi....the title given to the strongest Shinigami of each generation. And ol' Retsu was part of Yama's group of thugs (I'm not touching that), so the date checks out.

But how can there BE other Kenpachis if the first was not killed and did not die?!

How can there be a second/third/fourth/so on if Unohana is STILL AROUND?!

Maybe you're saying that no one knew Unohana was the first one....but even then, it's dubious. If no one matched the name with the face, what did other Kenpachis do? "Welp, we have no idea who #1 is, so let's just pretend one of us killed him, okay?"

And if people KNEW Unohana = 1st Kenpachi, her name would've been a lot more feared. Urahara and Yoruichi would've explictly warned Ichigo and company not to get within a kilometer of her when they did their rescue mission, for example.

Now what does this have to do with our Kenpachi?

Everything! Kubo's trying to install a connection between the two to give both emotional development, but it's based off of flimsy details and a hazy timeline.

Refer to the picture above. Kenpachi was a kid when he met Unohana?!

.....oh shit, I almost forgot.

Apparently Unohana Retsu is a secret psychopath.

For fuck's sake. Every Bleach reader always dreamed of seeing Unohana fight in the manga, since....well, the Soul Society arc! There had to be a reason why she scares the shit out of 95% of the cast. And everyone thought it was because she was a total bad ass.

Being psychotic, or like the current Kenpachi, is not that. It's recycling the same personality to another character, making two Unohanas-

A - Calm, best healer in the Seireitei, firm but fair, nice most of the time

B- A BLOOD DRINKING PSYCHO THAT GETS OFF ON PAIN

It's insulting to Unohana, and our pre-conceptions as readers. It's insulting to Kenpachi's past (let him idolize someone wiser and smarter, not someone EXACTLY like him)

Sigh. How did Retsu mask her killing persona all this time? And why didn't she DO anything in these past arcs?!

......no answer, eh Kubo?

So now we're getting pieces of the puzzle. As a kid, Kenpachi had a shit-ton of reiatsu and killed people with his zan-

....zanpakutou, that you can only make via academy asauchi...that he stole from a corpse.....let me stop myself before I get a headache.

kid!Kenny met psycho!Unohana, and they....fought....Kenny won?.....and then......yeah, they parted ways, Unohana just left him to rot in Rukongai, flash forward many years later, Kenny grows up, meets Yachiru-

HOLD THE FUCK ON

The puzzle is missing its center pieces! Why did Unohana just...leave Kenpachi? Surely she realized his potential? Seireitei was just beginning (or whatever, I hate doing Bleach math), and wouldn't it had been a priority to get this abnormal child?

....right, I forgot Soul Society is incompetent as all hell.

Ugh, so these two....duke it out in an underground arena, as not to damage war-torn Seiretei anymore.

Looks like As Nodt and Jackie reproduced

I'll give you credit, Kubo....for showing Yachiru and Isane realizing the battle has begun, and that one of their leaders and cherished ones will perish. But....I just don't GET this fight.

No, I'm serious. Kyoraku's plan was to have Kenpachi awake his zanpakutou, via learning "the art of killing". At the very least, perfect his swordplay! What happens?

A slashy back and forth!



I'm sorry, did we travel back in time to his battle with Nnoitra? How is supposed to improve his techniques?! How is fundamentally different than his previous fights? It's just two people with giant amounts of reiatsu hacking at each other!

We've established in my first article that fights like THESE make Kenpachi seem dull. That they're not very interesting. And it shows, because during these chapters....I was bored out of my skull.

Y'know, more than usual.

So they're fighting....blah blah....we kinda understand how Kenpachi's power level works. Apparently (third fucking time I've used this word, Kubo) Kenny adjusts his level or reiatsu or whatever term you opt to use to a level that's barely above his opponents. To not only win, but to provide a challenge.

This makes sense for the fights against Tousen, Ichigo, and Nnoitra (he struggled here)

This does NOT make sense for the fights against Giriko, Yammy, and Royd (either he steamrolled or lost badly)

But you know what....I suppose I'll take what I've been given. It's clear Kubo made this point up on the spot, however, it's also clear that managing Zaraki Kenpachi's power level in this manga is a challenge for any author, good or bad. So....moving on.....

Unohana's main directive in this fight is to.....use her zanpakutou's power? kill Kenpachi then heal him to full strength, in turn increasing his power and upping her enjoyment factor (think Vegeta and Dende)

Old self? Oh, his time as a child? When the challenge was its highest? Is that it? Am I not getting it? Someone, please help me.

I just hate how Kubo's presenting this as some deep conflicting battle. Kenpachi and Unohana have barely interacted, no matter how badly you want to twist the canon. It cheapens the emotional value....because....be honest, raise your hand if you think Kubo planned this whole relationship out.

I promise I'll go easy.

.....oh holy shit, the battle's getting intense! Unohana's gonna release her zanpakutou?! BANKAI?!

...

GO DROWN IN A WELL, TITE KUBO

It's comforting to know we're in the era of "hard to understand blank Bankais", a la Sasakibe. What happened to millions of blades, a skeleton snake, a freaking missile launcher?!

(yes I know that makes you cringe Gliby)

Is this how we're supposed to remember Unohana as a fighter? Being Kenpachi 2.0 (or rather 1.0, har har) and having......no seriously, da fuck is that?!

I need to wrap this up before I can't take it anymore.

So apparently (four times now) only one Kenpachi can live. One Kenpachi can stand. .....oh come, Kubo won't-

....adkjandasasiasia.askahsiasasaskasjaosjWHAT?!

Unohana has to DIE?! After we finally get info on her?! After she finally fucking fights?! Doing what?! Slashing Kenpachi and grinning like a psycho?!

Someone tell me how this makes any sense from a story-telling perspective when a) there's no rule saying two Kenpachis can't exist, especially when TWO HAVE ALL THIS TIME and b) Seireitei needs all the strong fighters they can get to combat the Vandenreich?!

What is this, a pass-the-torch theme?! Based off the fact Kenpachi admired Unohana when 500 chapters never pointed to the relationship in the first place?! Based off the fact that Kubo took the high road, killed two birds with one stone, and "developed" both characters?!

Is any pay-off in seeing Unohana die? Is there?!

Gasp?! His Shikai......is it....?!

...

Well no, the chapter ends before we can learn his zanpakutou name or its form....but I've been waiting a LONG time for this. Too long. This would've mattered more to me during Soul Society or Hueco Mundo, but not so much here.

Still....

It's something fans and readers alike have been wanting to see. At least Kubo is man enough to go back and give this plot point another try, and not completely forget it.

Even though it was done half-assed.

Even though it required molding Unohana, one of the most hyped characters in the manga, into a Kenpachi retread, establishing a dubious backstory and confusing motives, and then KILLING HER.

But it's a point in Kubo's favor.

....Again, partially taken away when Unohana had to die. Now she may recover being healing her-who the fuck am I kidding?! Last time I checked, Unohana isn't a Kenpachi, a Byakuya, a Hitsugaya, a Ichigo; a character that Kubo binds and breaks to please the fans.

If she does stay alive, then I'll give Kubo the full point for giving Kenpachi his time in the sun (only in terms of the zanpakutou release, not the loldeep snoozefest battle) and improving him.

But I still can't find myself to like Kenpachi as much anymore, and that's just taste, I suppose.

Any future improvements may feel shoehorned in and not as significant, but at least Kubo's trying.

......Y'know, when he feels like putting out any effort.

Thanks for reading, y'all! Tune in for my next article, where I focus on....the Quincy race of this manga, and all the contradicting info we've been given about them. It's a tough job, but someone needs to get it done.

Attack From Behind: Secret Lives of the Karakura Fullbringers

Hey, remember when Kubo teased a Ginjou and Tsukishima flashback, only to never deliver?

"Don't worry, kid, that bulge is just some ramen I stuffed in there. You know, in case I need some tripwire to delay the other reapers of death from collecting my head. Say, would you like some pants ramen?"

Let's fill in the blanks of all the Fullbringers' pasts using every bit of information we have at our disposal, as Kubo clearly intended. The following reasoning will be totally beyond reproach, and therefore canon.

Attack From Behind: Heart Pounding Offscreen Action

When the Vandenreich pay Soul Society a visit, they mean business. Why, Seireitei was torn asunder by the Sternritters' ruthless scheme of standing around and mouthing off. The carnage was so grievous that Kubo couldn't show us all the Captain vs. Quincy fights he had lined up, and their blitzkrieg was so destructive that every captain came away with a scratch, or even two scratches. The following is a in depth analysis of how each of those fights must have transpired before Aizen's subtle perception hiccups made Bach think it was Daylight's Saving Time, forcing their retreat.

Fight 1: Kyouraku vs. Colonel Sanders

Long summary: Kyouraku gets shot a bunch of times, and once in the eye. They then trade quips flash expressions and stare at each other.

"I see you're still sharp despite my having shot you in the head. I must make a note of this in my Soul Nazi strategy guide."

Analysis: This is undoubtedly because the eyeblood was keeping Kyouraku's face slippery and well lubricated, which would make any further bullets simply slide away. Kyouraku invented this strategy to keep the number one thing he treasures the most, his appearance, from getting disfigured too badly.

Missing an eye? He's met the prerequisite for the label Big Boss

He got hurt in a sexy way, making this brief battle an overall victory for our brave new Captain Commander.

"Wait, you're supposed to take the bullet out first?"

Of course, the eyeblood couldn't make it down his neck in time to defend against the other bullets.

Kyouraku went on to produce several albums of gangsta fo sheezies.

On the other hand, Kyouraku may have taken those bullets on purpose in order to snap him back from the distraction that is Yamamoto's upwelling reiatsu. After all, it's not as though he hasn't ever fought a foe who wielded dual pistols. Against Starrk, Kyouraku used his sword's unique shikai ability to make children's games lethal, and since Starrk was a deeply boring man with no imagination, he succumbed to Kyouraku's impressive skill at describing basic colors and went down fairly easily. Colonel Sanders, on the other hand, is deeply boring in an altogether novel way that caught Kyouraku off guard. Either that, or a Soul Nazi is far too adept at listing the shortcomings of the various colors a human can be (e.g., black, not white, very black) to fall prey to such a technique.

The white shall NOT bow down to the mocha!!

One might argue that even with the eyepatch nothing happened that will have a lasting impact on Kyouraku, but this simply isn't true. Without his hat, he's much more prone to get skin cancer on his scalp, a development that would shock readers to their absolute cores.

Fight 2:NaNaNa Najahkoop vs. Rose

The hypothetical fight of the century

Long summary: NaNaNa and Rose trade quips and stare at each other. Then NaNaNa rushes off to ambush Yamamoto alongside fellow elite Quincy warriors Äs Nödt and Mohawk Dude.

These three were the best and brightest kindling the Vandenreich had to fodder.

Äs Nödt and you shall receive.

Analysis: NaNaNa begins his relentless onslaught by standing still and boasting that it will take him less than five minutes to kill Rose. This sheds light on the sense of superiority shared by the Quincy invaders. One can liken them to children who are finally allowed to talk smack once outside of the earshot of a boss who would kill a loyal soldier for deigning to speak in the future tense.

Rose, to his great credit, chooses to respond to words with words, despite his anger at all the lives reaped by this formidable squadron of exceedingly eccentric humans. Rose reflects on how rocking his guitar tunes were when he was with the now late Kira. This is clearly the psychological strategy employed by a sociopath who thankfully cares so little about his subordinates that he can condense them to a guitar tune with nary a tear in sight, and it successfully sends NaNaNa to his death as he decides to tear down a decrepit old man to boost his own shattered ego. As Rose stated, "Don't think you can go home alive, Quincy." He never said it would be himself who killed the invader.

Why didn't Rose employ his mask or his shikai?

It's because those must be reserved for playing his Flying V on stage with.

Fight 3: All the Quincies Who Stole Bankais Don't Bother Using Them

"All right, which one of us ended up with the shitty missile launcher?"

Long summary: These four Sternritters gleefully snatch away the bankais of Komamura, Soi Fong, Hitsugaya and Byakuya because the captains were merely under the impression that their bankais would be sealed, not stolen. The Sternritters proceed triumphantly to do nothing with them.

Analysis: Both Soul Society and Quincies are very, very stupid. I blame Tsukishima for this one.

If it's dumb, it's Tsukishima's fault. Yeah.

Applied Logistics Assemble: Arlong Park Redirect

It has come to my atention that our parnet site/homebase/militant training center at Arlong Park has been inacessible to a large group of people, inlcuding myself, for the past few days. And if you didn't visit the Facebook page, you might not have a clue what's going on.

The long and short of it is DNS problems, so for the time being the link to use is

http://forums.arlongpark.net

This is also posted due to certain members of the blog, who shall remain nameless, apparently don't check their emails, so this might help get the news across to them.

DJones signing off.