Friday, 9 August 2013

Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, Pt. 3

When last we left off, Ichigo was given a reason to fight the evil jihadists when his points of vulnerability, otherwise known as sisters, found their kawaii faces rammed into dark spaces for gunpoint ransom. Meanwhile, the evil shinigami are inexplicably terrified by the terrorist boss, and his base is attacked by Marines whose exploits I don`t care enough to describe!!

Also Kariya

Haven`t you heard that old adage, to get the WIND KICKED OUT OF YOU

I love that I get to use the vampires tag for this review series.


"The more marines I have around, the better I like it."
-General Clark, U.S. Army

 General Clark, you dirty bastard

 Our burly Marine heroes do some stuff. Then the bit with Asad al-Halarious warrants my pen

Al-Asad Palace- Al Basrah, Iraq
Just miles away from Mecca, in Al Basrah, Iraq, which is part of the Basra Governorate in the Eastern Border of Iraq, Al-Asad along with both Aizen and Gin, watches the battle from the TV of the News.
"Look at this, the Americans think they can out smart me by thinking I'm there.", Al-Asad said.
 I see Asad`s palace gets the TV OF THE NEWS channel even in a warzone; he`s probably stealing cable, the bastard
"Don't worry about them. They know what will come when we have in store for them.", Gin said.
"But what the British? They are in Russia trying to stop the civil war from there?", Aizen asked.
"Zakahev's son just call me and told me that they shot down the helicopter that was bound for Hamburg, Germany. Believe me, their already dead as I know it.", Al-Asad said.
 Not dead as they know it, though, no--Aizen and Gin are gonna have to deal with them in the afterlife
"So when this is done, will we send both the Ultranationalists troops and your rebel army to take down the Soul Society.", Gin said.
"Believe me. I can't wait to take down those sorry good for nothing fuck heads who they think they are. I will kill each and every single captain and lieutanant just like I did to that good for nothing Saudi Arabian president. But it will come. Soon. With a little help to someone else.", Al-Asad said.
 Whoa there, Asad. First of all, what the fuck did they ever do to you? Second of all, this outburst is as adorable as a newborn puppy scrabbling its eensy little paws at the iron hull of a Navy Destroyer
"What are you talking about?", Gin asked.
"Do you guys know a boy named Ichigo Kurosaki?", Al-Asad asked.
"Why yes. He's a substitute Shingami. Why?", Aizen asked.
"I decided to kidnapped his family while they were in Hawaii. But I send them to Zakahev to make sure they take good care of them.", Al-Asad said.
"And how are you planning on kidnapping his family? What's the reward?", Gin asked.
"Well the reward would be the King Seal. And the way to the gate that leads to the Soul Society.", Al-Asad said.
"You sure about that?", Aizen asked.
"Don't worry about it. Zakahev already put a deadline for the kid anyway. We gave him ten days to give us something. Or his family are dead.", Al-Asad said.
"Seems like the boy must've been hard about it. I wonder, first the world of terrorism. Now, Zakahev is now a kidnapper.", Aizen said.
"It doesn't matter who he is. It's up to the boy. Whether he pay up or see his family murdered.", Al-Asad said.
"I see what you mean.", Gin said.

a) That thing is supposed to open the King`s Realm, it has nothing to do with Soul Society
b) What`s stopping them from doing it themselves?
c) If this was their plan all along then why was the slaughter of Sasakibe necessary? Apart from his sheer telos towards dying apparently

"Now then, the Americans continues their assault in the city. But we can lured them here towards Al Barsah, and set a trap by killing thousands of Americans in one city. We can show the world what terrorism can do to one city full of thousands of civilians with one nuke.", Al-Asad said.
 Wow, whole thousands! I like how he has an armed nuclear warhead handy but it doesn`t have any range
"Like the world can come to an end. Just like what Nostradamus said when he predicted the world can come to an end.", Gin said.
 You go to the corner, Gin

"I believe that Irman Zakahev is Notradamus. And he can guaranteed that the world may come to an end by using nuclear weapons to kill and destroy.", Al-Asad said.
"I am a bad mean beardy turban man and I also like maiming in addition to kill and destroy world end, but I draw the line at raping. Okay maybe a little"

What is going on with your objectives, dude? What happened to us man!? I REMEMBER WHEN YOU ONLY WANTED TO KILL GHOSTS

 They get a call, the Americans are winning, and they ditch the palace, leaving the threat of traps in their wake.


"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Army Training Notice

"Be sure to eat food instead of clay."
-U.S. Army Training Notice
10th Division Headquarters Cabin- Rukongai, Soul Society
Back at the Soul Society, inside the cabin of the 10th Division, Toshiro was at his desk working on the paperwork Rangiku was suppose to do before her banishment.
He worked on it during both the day and night, getting all of it done with even a sip of coffee as well.
That leads me to believe that there was so much paperwork that he couldn`t afford ANY split-seconds whatsoever and he became possessed by the spirit of paperwork efficiency. Dude. Just DELEGATE. There`s more people in your division than just the vice captain, dumbass.

Hinamori comes in and applies to be his lieutenant. Makes sense, and better than her pathetic limbo state in canon

"Hello, Toshiro.", a girl said as he looks up and saw Momo Hinamori.
"Hinamori. By the way, it's Captain Hitsugaya.", Toshiro said.
"Sorry about that, captain.", Momo said.
The two have a close friendship, reflected by Hinamori giving him the nickname Shiro-chan although Momo is older and Tōshirō is younger, it gives him the best reason to protect her.

"Wait a second, have you seen Aizen in a while?", Toshiro asked.
"No I haven't seen him. Even Gin as well.", Momo said.
"Did he tell you where he was going?", Toshiro asked.
"Not really. He just told me to keep charge in the 5th. That's it.", Momo said.
"I see. Well, just go on and I'll catch you later.", Toshiro said.
"All right.", Momo said as she leaves the office with Toshiiro suspection.
"Something tells me that Aizen and Gin are doing something not right. Even I said about Momo that Aizen and Gin are not the people to trust. Wherever they went are doing something not right. I have a bad feeling about this.", Toshiro thought as he get back to his desk and clean up enough stuff for inspection.
No one besides Hitsugaya ever thought to question Aizen`s random abandonment of his post without leave

Meanwhile, the Oval Office discusses the war and Asad`s escape
"Mr. President, we can guarantee that we will send in artillery and air strikes all over the city. If we can, then Al-Asad may have a chance to give up and surrender.", the general of the air force said.
"We're not going to do that. There's innocent civilians like women and children in that city.", the president said.
"Sorry, sir.", the general of the air force said.
That`s okay General everyone makes mistakes, here have some tea, here some crumpets

Back in SS, two lieutenants inspect Aizen`s office during a routine pan-division sweep. They find a crack in the wall and rip it open.
"What's all this?", Shuhei asked.
Inside the hole were blueprints of a nuclear bomb, maps of Rukongai and the districts, pictures of the other Cabin Headquarters of other divisions and Seirienti, books about terrorism, letters in Arabic and Russian, and a box with a tape saying "Do Not Open".
"I'm not so sure.", Marechiyo said he and Shuhei grabs the stuff out of the hole and examines it all.
Aizen, you don`t have to hide maps of the Rukongai and pictures of Seireitei lol

You are not very good at prioritizing are you Aizen

Renji and Soi Fong swing around the scene.
"We found maps of the districts and photos of the cabin headquarters. We even found this of a blueprint of something.", Shuhei said as he gives the blueprint of the nuclear bomb to Soifon to look.
"Wonder what's this?", Soifon asked as she examines it.
"Did y'all call?", everyone turn around and see Renji at the door.
"Lieutenant Abarai.", Soifon said, with a sexy smirk on it.
Lieutenant Abarai, where would you like that sexy smirk placed
"We even found these letters here. Two of them. We couldn't translate these two letters. Both of them had a different language.", Marechiyo said as he gives Renji the letter with Russian while the other letter gave to Soifon in Arabic.
"Only Japanese people go to heaven, after all. They say Hell is 90% Russians."

Suddenly, a time bomb!
Suddenly, a big explosion kills the three troops and the fire came through the hallways as Soifon turns around and saw the door flying towards her when Renji grabs her and falls down dodging the door.
"You okay?", Renji asked.
"Yeah I'm fine.", Soifon said.
Renji looks and saw a razor blade just right in front of him, stuck on the wall as he deep breathes.
"That was close.", Renji said.



What about death from behind

A bunch of boring military maneuvers happens and then they`re saved by Movie 1`s inexplicably beloved original character Senna

She was an amnesiac and tied in with the movie`s macguffin. Read my review here
"Senna, eh. What about your last name as well.", Prince said.
"I really do not have a last name.", Senna said.
"I see. And what is this Soul Society you're referring of?", Prince asked.
"is the afterlife (also called the spirit world). It is meant to correspond to Heaven or Nirvana in human belief systems. It is the place where most departed souls and the Shinigami dwell.", Senna said.
Manic Pixie Dream Girls annoy me to no end, prancing about battlefields with nary a care
"What are we going to do with her, sir?", Soap asked.
"We're send her in to custody.", Prince said.
"What? What are you talking about?", Senna asked.
But then, the SAS soldiers grabs her and handcuffs her and send her inside the chopper as the others enters inside as well.
Senna, while you`re being processed through proper military protocol, please embrace Mr. Grenade

Meanwhile, back by the Bounts
Little did they know, the gunship was being watch from the mountains as Kariya, Yoshi, and Sawatari watch and see the smoke rising up from the junkyard. Then looks at both the gunship and choppers going different ways.
"So I guess the Russians fail to capture Nikolai.", Yoshi said.
This character doesn`t come with a mountainous biography lesson so I`ll leave it at


"Don't worry, right now, we know who helped the SAS from the enemy.", Kariya said.
"Who is that?", Sawatari asked.
 Why it`s none other than Mr. Geezer Space Whale! Well isn`t Kariya backstabbing us through Memory Lane

``CRUISING FOR A BRUISING!! Except the bruising is my own because my whale is jagged and I am old.``
I guess you could say there`s a real


on these Bounts
"It was non other than Senna.", Kariya said.
"That girl? But I heard that she died from evaporating and the power of the Blanks had faded.", Yoshi said.
"But now, she came back to life.", Kariya said.
 Nice save! Otherwise there would have been hole in plot


"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to
visit violence on those who would harm us."
-George Orwell

 Actually I sleep safely in my bed because of that nice mattress sale last weekend. Though I was thrown mattress samples by rough men in the night. It was a business model to remember

SS sets to work trying to find out if Aizen is a traitor, unaware of the threat of the Real World Jihadists (Looks like shit`s getting... REAL).

Meanwhile, Senna is still in cuffs.
At the entrance of the hotel, inside the car, Soap was sitting in the backseat with Senna. Who was on the other hand, was trying to get out of the handcuffs which is connected to the car door handle.
"Trust me. You're not going to get away from those.", Soap said.
Senna on the other hand, change from her Shinigami clothes to her Brown school uniform.
 If she`s cuffed, how did she manage to change her ensemble

This is the street, fool
Back in Rukongai, as the meeting finally ended and the captains returning to their divisions.
"I wonder what he meant of someone from the real world is our new and powerful enemy.", Ukitake said.
"Come on, that's impossible. No one from the real world is our enemy. Besides, those kind of people do not know that the Soul Society doesn't exist.", Shunsui said.
"Execpt for Ichigo Kurosaki.", Ukitake said.
"You mean the Substitute Shinigami?", Shunsui asked.
"Of course. He's the only person that knows about the Soul Society.", Ukitake said.
"Don't forget about his friends as well.", Mayuri said.
"Btw Mayuri, did you implant your scanner bugs into them yet? I want a timetable for how long it`ll take before they go mad from the revelation."

Rukia comes to tell them about the kidnapping and is informed in turn about this time bomb business. Then:

"All right thanks brother.", Rukia said as he kiss him on the cheek and ran to the laboratory.
Then suddenly, Byakuya then smiles as he feels his cheek and blush a bit.
The brutal blood-trickly murder of Sasakibe`s regiment flew out the back of Byakuya`s mind as his member obliged to measure the growth of his kawaisa

Meanwhile, the Russian President discusses the war in his Onion-Shaped Office
"Mr. President, we heard rumors flying around that the Ultranationlists can capture our nuclear missiles and use them to attack like the United States, and countries in Europe. This could escalate to a nuclear war.", the general said.
"It's just rumors. And if they can, we don't know what we can do.", the president said.
I know guarding nuclear missiles isn`t Russia`s most pressing concern between persecuting LGBTQ people and naming Vodkas after Putin before Yelstin can claim them from the grave through sheer alcohol osmosis, but please don`t let terrorists play Terror Tetris with them

Here`s a funny sentence from the President of Russia
"I understand that we want to help the Americans so badly. But with this civil war going on, we can't help them at this moment.", the president said.
Rukia goes to Renji only for another sex scene to be wedged in as per the list of pairings at the beginning of the prologue.

Suddenly, the two hears the sound of grunts and moans as they sniff the scent of something they don't want to know.
"Is that Nemu having...", Rukia said.
"With Shuhei.", Renji said.
"What? You mean both Nemu and Shuhei are...", Rukia said.
"Yeah. Haven't you notice about it.", Renji said.
"No. When did they became a couple?", Rukia asked.
"Couple weeks ago. It's been kept secret to the others. Except for both me and Unohana.", Renji said.
"Does Mayuri knows about it?", Rukia asked.
"No. I hope not. Because you know how Mayuri is when he looks at Nemu trying to talk with other guys.", Renji said.
"Well, you better try to tell them to stop now because the meeting just ended and Mayuri is on his way back here.", Rukia said.
"Oh, man." Renji said as he knocks on the door to Nemu's room. "Uh, guys."
"What?", Shuhei asked.
"You better be done by now because Mayuri is on his way back.", Renji said.
"Oh fuck!", Shuhei yells.
"I'll be outside. Let me know what will happen next.", Rukia said as she walks outside.
"Oh great.", Renji said.



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