Monday, 8 September 2014

AfB: Black People Are Wacky! Laugh!


(Titles for this article I also considered were “Black and White,” “Soul Brothas,” and “Fuck Da Gotei”)

Somehow I think this guy ain't gonna be inspiring many cosplay renditions.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

AfB: Use Your Brain Bleach

BLEACH hasn't been faring very well in the JUMP Table of Contents for a while now, and its volume sales, while still respectable, are slipping as well. And yet it seems like, as a series, it's simply rolled into so much moss that the editors have let it continue rolling down the hill on the condition that this is the “last arc.” Oh, they've attempted some life support. There was a stretch where BLEACH got color pages every other week, but by now they've probably realized that first aid spells, far from helping, only succeeding in doing bonus damage to the undead. Here are all the color pages since the beginning of the Quincy blitzkireg, complete with my snarky ass captions.


"The final war us readers have been toothing after since the beginning--can Ichigo finally defeat Zangetsu!?"
 BLEACH was a manga all about holy wars up until now, but you didn't figure that out because it was a fourteenth level secret (it was scrawled in microwriting on Rangiku's nipples in every panel, including ones without her in them. It read "WHY ME cruSADe").


Monday, 3 March 2014

A Day in the Life of Juha Bach, Master Strategist

This is a rough draft of what I imagine the day of Juuha Bach/Ywhach must go like, seeing as Kubo decided the dude can't even have a bed to sleep in, never mind a table to have things on. Days in Magic Unnamed Interdimension Quincieland must be really boring.

My hobbies include staring blanky, staring at nothing and staring blanky into space. I also sometimes space out or get lost in contemplation.


5 AM: Wakes up, orders ice tea.
6 AM: Kills the person who brought him his tea because they did the job he wanted them to do
6:10-7:45 AM: Moustache Grooming
7:45-9:10 Watching Sturm der Liebe
9:25 Reads the newspaper
9:35 Has the meteorologist killed for being a prophet
10:00 Plays Chess
10:35 Deliberately sacrifices his rooks, bishops and pawns
10:46 Gets a second queen
10:51 Sacrifices said second queen because he was intending to lose her from the begining
11:22 If he loses he stabs his opponent. Meanwhile if he wins he stabs his opponent.
12:00 Eats dinner mostly consisting of cold, unheated sauerkraut, which he doesn't heat up to not upset his cold bloodedness.
13:00-18:00 Afternoon & Evening nap time. All loses experienced during this period by the quincies were meant to happen from the begining.
18:20 Takes his hollow antibodies supplements.
19:00 Goes to execute people with battle experience without bothering to get any information from them
19:01 Sends inexperienced rookies to try and take out the same people the previous guys were executed for not beating
19:20-22:45 Makes speach about peace while eviscerating his underlings
22:50 Has everyone leave the battlefield
23:00 Has everyone go back to the battlefield so he can have another invasion on record and can technically call the previous invasion a "success"
23:01 Goes to Sleep, listening to Wagner and thinking about his secretary, The E Sternritter, Eva.

Friday, 21 February 2014

AFB: In the War Room with As Nodt!

Hello, everyone. I've been playing a lot of Luigi's Mansion recently, and I figured I'd use my soul vacuuming skills to keep As Nodt around for a spot of tea coming off his stirring defeat this week. This chapter's developments were so exciting I nearly popped an emotion! It was scary--

Did someone say "SCARY"!?!?!?
Pipe down, you. Anyway, how are you for discussing some of the tactics in this epic clash of dumb vs. dumber?

CAN IT ALL BE BOILED DOWN TO A SINGLE EMOTION??

Maybe...?

Is that emotion...

Don't.

...FFEEARRR!?!? 


I think we're starting to see the main issue with the Vandenreich already!! They are a military force of simpletons.


Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Hole of Reproach: The Unbrearable Confusingness of Rukia's Being

Greetings dear readers. I once more decided to delve deeper into the moldy, rancid heart of Bleach, in order to try and understand the inner workings of a mind who'se sole purpose seems to be self adoration. (If you don't know what I mean, check my previous article here.

With that shameless bit of self promotion out of the way, let's get back to what we love best here at Applied Logic, aside from group orgies and devil worship. Namely pointing out how Kubo has no idea that things he previously wrote still exist and he just can't will them out of existence because he's bored.

Today's is a typical example. There I was, minding my own business, reading Bleach, getting bored as hell by the Quinci invasion consisting of a bunch of forgettable losers and bishounen , when Rukia suddenly showed up and

decided to try and do something.

Which was a big shock to me considering that the last time she attempted usefullness she was the only shinigami to get defeated by the Fullbringers (the less we say abotu Renji's..."victory" the better) and the last time before then was getting her ass kicked by Yammy, which wasn't even a one on one really. So I was more then happy to see her do something. I would be even happier if Origime and Chad, who'se involvement with this arc thus far seems to be little else then nominal, would do something too but that's like asking for Kubo not to be racist to his fans while trying to sell them his stuff.

But anyway Rukia is actually on the battlefield. And she's fighting As Nodt. Okay, I guess that's alright, beat the guy whom her precious big brother (who wanted to secue her execution for an incredibly minor offense, which was in direct contrast to the promise he made to his dying wife, because he made another promise afterwards in his head in the presence of his parents' gravestones, obviously) could not. That's alright by me.

So her new powers are.....hmm....how does this work again ?




No no, I know that, I was asking about your new powers. You know, the sword. The pointy thing. How does that work ?


So basically kinda like Hitsugaya, only you can't create ice, or control ice. Okay but how does it work ?

.


That doesn't make sense because you couldn't move then. You even said your so cold you blood froze in your veins. But then again this is the afterli-


Uhm....wha...uh...You're currently dead because you're in the afterlife. And you are in the afterlife because you died. And just in case you needed to have this specifically confirmed
Remembering things is hard, especially when YOU wrote them


It's really sad that the afterlife in this series has become what it is. I mean Shunsui has tickets that allows you to go there for crissake. But still I was kind of hoping people would remember their own backstory, and Kubo would remember none of these people are actually alive. They are souls. Who came to Soul Society after being sent there in a sending ritual. After they left their bodies due to death.

I mean there are people born (?) in SS, very rarely, but this is clearly not one of them. Rukia is dead not because of a technique of some kind but because she has been dead this whole series. And the fact Kubo can forget this is just another example of how he only cares about thinking up a "cool" english language title each week to then engrave into his furniture.