Thursday, 21 March 2013

Attack From Behind: Heart Pounding Offscreen Action

When the Vandenreich pay Soul Society a visit, they mean business. Why, Seireitei was torn asunder by the Sternritters' ruthless scheme of standing around and mouthing off. The carnage was so grievous that Kubo couldn't show us all the Captain vs. Quincy fights he had lined up, and their blitzkrieg was so destructive that every captain came away with a scratch, or even two scratches. The following is a in depth analysis of how each of those fights must have transpired before Aizen's subtle perception hiccups made Bach think it was Daylight's Saving Time, forcing their retreat.

Fight 1: Kyouraku vs. Colonel Sanders

Long summary: Kyouraku gets shot a bunch of times, and once in the eye. They then trade quips flash expressions and stare at each other.

"I see you're still sharp despite my having shot you in the head. I must make a note of this in my Soul Nazi strategy guide."
Analysis: This is undoubtedly because the eyeblood was keeping Kyouraku's face slippery and well lubricated, which would make any further bullets simply slide away. Kyouraku invented this strategy to keep the number one thing he treasures the most, his appearance, from getting disfigured too badly.

Missing an eye? He's met the prerequisite for the label Big Boss
He got hurt in a sexy way, making this brief battle an overall victory for our brave new Captain Commander.

"Wait, you're supposed to take the bullet out first?"
Of course, the eyeblood couldn't make it down his neck in time to defend against the other bullets.

Kyouraku went on to produce several albums of gangsta fo sheezies.
On the other hand, Kyouraku may have taken those bullets on purpose in order to snap him back from the distraction that is Yamamoto's upwelling reiatsu. After all, it's not as though he hasn't ever fought a foe who wielded dual pistols. Against Starrk, Kyouraku used his sword's unique shikai ability to make children's games lethal, and since Starrk was a deeply boring man with no imagination, he succumbed to Kyouraku's impressive skill at describing basic colors and went down fairly easily. Colonel Sanders, on the other hand, is deeply boring in an altogether novel way that caught Kyouraku off guard. Either that, or a Soul Nazi is far too adept at listing the shortcomings of the various colors a human can be (e.g., black, not white, very black) to fall prey to such a technique.

The white shall NOT bow down to the mocha!!

One might argue that even with the eyepatch nothing happened that will have a lasting impact on Kyouraku, but this simply isn't true. Without his hat, he's much more prone to get skin cancer on his scalp, a development that would shock readers to their absolute cores.

Fight 2:NaNaNa Najahkoop vs. Rose
The hypothetical fight of the century
Long summary: NaNaNa and Rose trade quips and stare at each other. Then NaNaNa rushes off to ambush Yamamoto alongside fellow elite Quincy warriors Äs Nödt and Mohawk Dude.

These three were the best and brightest kindling the Vandenreich had to fodder.
Äs Nödt and you shall receive.

Analysis: NaNaNa begins his relentless onslaught by standing still and boasting that it will take him less than five minutes to kill Rose. This sheds light on the sense of superiority shared by the Quincy invaders. One can liken them to children who are finally allowed to talk smack once outside of the earshot of a boss who would kill a loyal soldier for deigning to speak in the future tense.

Rose, to his great credit, chooses to respond to words with words, despite his anger at all the lives reaped by this formidable squadron of exceedingly eccentric humans. Rose reflects on how rocking his guitar tunes were when he was with the now late Kira. This is clearly the psychological strategy employed by a sociopath who thankfully cares so little about his subordinates that he can condense them to a guitar tune with nary a tear in sight, and it successfully sends NaNaNa to his death as he decides to tear down a decrepit old man to boost his own shattered ego. As Rose stated, "Don't think you can go home alive, Quincy." He never said it would be himself who killed the invader.

Why didn't Rose employ his mask or his shikai?

It's because those must be reserved for playing his Flying V on stage with.

Fight 3: All the Quincies Who Stole Bankais Don't Bother Using Them
"All right, which one of us ended up with the shitty missile launcher?"
Long summary: These four Sternritters gleefully snatch away the bankais of Komamura, Soi Fong, Hitsugaya and Byakuya because the captains were merely under the impression that their bankais would be sealed, not stolen. The Sternritters proceed triumphantly to do nothing with them.

Analysis: Both Soul Society and Quincies are very, very stupid. I blame Tsukishima for this one.

If it's dumb, it's Tsukishima's fault. Yeah.


  1. Not a bad article, although I think you skipped a few of the "non-fights."

    1. I actually didn't bother reading through the arc so far because I just felt like banging out a quickie lol. Which other non-fights?

    2. For me to answer that I'd have to reread the arc myself, which rather defeats the point. But I'm sure you missed two or three at least. Like the fight the mohawk dude wasn't having with someone, or the fight the girl wasn't having with Komamaru.

  2. The beginning of this arc and what's currently going on just baffles me. The battle between the 13 squads and the Vandenreich in addition of how its presented just killed the potential for a good story. It wasn't a battle that the Seireitei had use everything that they have at their disposal against an enemy that was believe to have been wiped out only to return with powers no one has shown before. Not a battle where the threat who can steal their best abilities and use it against them, forcing to rely on other abilities, quick thinking, and outsmarting their enemies. IT'S A FIGHT WHERE THE VILLIANS CAN WIN BY BEING LESS STUPID THAN THE "HEROES"(yeah, I don't see the Seireitei as good guys because they don't act like good people or understandable people.)

  3. Part 2
    What do I mean? Well when the captains meet to discuss what to be ready for, they also mentioned the what-was the seal Bankai medallions. Later when the Vandenreich attacked, Komamura, Soi Fong, Hitsugaya and Byakuya used their bankais in order to see what it does and if there was a way to reverse the process. This sounds smart thinking, but then we found out that none of them made a plan of what do, even though there was like a one day before the surprise attack. Also, it seems none of the captains talk to each other because they made up their minds without tell anyone. What it does is showing how stupid the Seireitei is and how badly they are as a military organization that supposedly lasted for a 1,000 years or so.

    1. A million years of stupidity.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Wait no scratch that! It's like if there was a Justice League of America story where Batman turned evil and everyone lost to him because he's smarter than everyone else and no one knows how to combat him.

  4. Finally, part 3
    I know some will say," Draegon, why are you so mad? Isn't it too early to be mad at a story that just got started? besides, aren't some of these characters the ones you don't like anyway? Why got angry at something you don't care for?" Well while I do not like some of soul reavers as characters, I do understand why some people may like them. The reason is because if Kubo can do this with these characters, what makes me(or you) think he won't do it other characters; ones that I (or you) truly like and care?

  5. Part 4
    And guess what? this event may have changed the status-quo for the series but did it in a lousy, not thought-out way where it's laughable and makes harder to enjoy the story and the characters. Finally, all this will end with Kubo indirectly telling the reader to be patient and keep following. Do I need to tell you what we got when he did this: story arcs where it was either dragged out too long or just wasn't worth the wait(Hueco Mundo and Fake Karakura/ Deicide, dumb reveals and moments that stupid and ludicrous and required more waiting to get even a slight hint of closure, and things introduced then dropped because Kubo doesn't want to take the time to work it righty in the story.