Saturday, 21 July 2012

Attack From Behind: OVA Review

Whoops lol totally forgot about this.

Well this is gonna be short.

The first OVA was a short treatment of Ichigo's dead mom backstory (called "Memories in the Rain,"), and this, the second and only other OVA ("The Sealed Sword Frenzy"), aired during the JUMP Festa Anime Tour in 2005, which followed right after the SS arc ended. It's only a half hour long, but hey, might as well be thorough. Actually, I just want to review this so I can bash Renji some more.

Our villain for this OVA is a bloodthirsty burly dude named Baishin, who constantly goes "I am a blade." He has essentially no personality besides that, but he can absorb other people's reiatsu--Dude, if you want a personality, you're picking on the wrong prey, since many of the Gotei 13 are personality deficient as well.

"You can tell Kubo designed me because I'm definitely proto-Yammy."

This dude was a shinigami 400 years ago, who became "one" with his Zampakutou and went nuts, slaughtering 63 seated officers (including vice captains) until he got sealed by a team of 6 captains. Here is what those captains looked like:

It took 6 captains to just seal a random dude who ended up fusing with his sword, no wonder the Quincies are wrecking their shit Anyway, I'm going to come up with names for them, starting from left to right: Rongassu Hiruto, Birudo No Torimu, Eggu Heddo, Biggu Burakkuman, Chin Chinchin, and Shifty "Slanteye" McSquinterton the Chinese Captain.

And it's always "according to records," lol. REMEMBER THINGS. You guys live for like a 1,000 years, you don't need a history book to recall shit like this. It would be like saying "after perusing the library, we discovered that there has been a war in Afghanistan going on for some time now." SIX CAPTAINS SEALED A DUDE WHO SLAUGHTERED 63 SHINIGAMI.

However, since the seal was performed in a mountain range in the real world, they just outsourced to a Buddhisty monastery/shrine of some sort, which, with hindsight, might have played a part in his eventual escape (now of all times, lucky, lucky Ichigo).

Jesus, I hope they haven't been chanting for 400 years. Bum deal, Soul Society.

Maybe that should be the other way around, faster you get to the annihilation part, the less time Baishin's got to...

Too late.

Back at Casa Kurosaki, Ichigo is lazing on his bed on a Sunday morning, as he has every right to given most of his time is spent slaying yawning otherworldly abominations that most can scarcely conceive. But Rukia tells him he'll get fat lying down like that.

Girl, have you SEEN those abs? Ichigo would need to be sealed roughly as long as Baishin in order to lose, like, a single ab. Apart from Chizuru, you're like the only girl that attends Karakura High who wouldn't ravish the kid right now.

Then Renji shows up as a cop... with a shotgun. AND FIRES AT HIS DAD'S HEAD. What the fucking fuck.

Yep. Definitely a yakuza.

You see, shinigami don't understand the ins and outs of human fashion. Rukia decided to dress Renji up. All that's missing is a bong in every orifice and the shoes of all humanity hurtling at him from every corner of the planet.

This burger joint is the one Hanatarou is part-timing at, which did I forget to mention during the Bount arc? That happened during the Bount arc.

"Why doesn't SS just give you gigais that look different from your spirit bodies, Renji? And for that matter, why doesn't SS have a human research wing or something? SERVING US IS YOUR GODDAMN JOB."

So just as Renji set to explaining about why he's here, Baishin crashes the burger joint (though it's not burgers Baishin is after!! It's Ichigo spirit energy!!)


See, this is what happens when you give Renji even a modicum of power, goes to the poor guy's head.

Now, guess what happens to Renji next. Does he

a) Abandon the shotgun, jump out of his gigai, and unleash Zabimaru for a brutal long-distance slashing
b) Stare at the mere dagger Baishin's determined is sufficient to defeat him as it flies towards him

"Rukia, your honest opinion. Should we go out of our way to save Renji?"

Centuries of battle experience.

"Renji!! Don't try so hard!" now sits at the very top of each health pamphlet at the Kurosaki Clinic in 72-point bold.

Ichigo fishes his Substitute Badge and his shinigami form blocks a fresh volley of blades just in the nick of time. Baishin's grin widens at the sight of a sprightly young boy whose energy he can suck. The fucker was taking his sweet ass time plodding on over across the street to the energy source he needed to absorb, because it's not becoming of a menacing villain to sprint.

"Little known fact, they were going to use my design for a new Star Trek race. But then they decided that the beard alone would have been over budget. Not to mention being made of swords."


Hitsugaya descends on the scene and drives Baishin away. If you think I'm going to copy screengrabs of Hitsu any more than I need to, you are mistaken. Baishin says "Let's take our time and have some fun fighting" or some such, and leaves, but not before drawing out a flotilla of Hollows with his reiatsu, which is, you guessed it, OMG IMMENSE. In any case, "droves of Hollows" is always the way they give every good guy something to do.

You may be wondering why Ichigo didn't just bankai--maybe it's because, during the Bount arc, they pulled out "it's way harder to bankai in the real world" as their excuse, and then they forgot about it in subsequent anime continuity.

After being unable to admit he came down to ask Ichigo for help, Renji has the gall to accuse Ichigo of letting Baishin run off.

Ichigo, you ARE my hero.

The captains drop down to the human world to find and kill Baishin, killing a bunch of Hollows in the meantime. Ichigo knows to call Baishin out at the leveled monastery (you'd think that'd make the news), since he must have been targeting him all this time, and Baishin rises to the challenge. Baishin tells Ichigo that his spirit energy just "oozes" out all over the place, and white stuff begins to secrete out of Ichigo's body, splurting all over the air.

"This is what we in the business call the spiritual money shot."

Despite Renji's best efforts to attack, Baishin absorbs enough to pull his true form. Behold, Baishin's bedazzling bankai.

"Whereas before you couldn't touch me and was made of blades, NOW YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME and am made of blades! Did I mention I am a blade?"

The captains converge and battle Baishin, expositing that, at the rate Baishin is radiating his power, he'll explode and the world will be destroyed! (Color me a bit incredulous.) But Ichigo kills him after he unleashes his own bankai.

Even as far back as 2005, they gave us the now seemingly obligatory "Ichigo discovers what the villain's deal was after having killed him" scene, with Ichigo putting two and two together with the massively impressive insight that Baishin had fused with his sword (it must have been around the third time he went "I am a blade" that Ichigo caught on, congrats on cracking that intensely challenging enigma), and then commenting that he only wanted Ichigo's reiatsu in order to separate himself from his Zampak (and Ichigo knows this because HEART). I guess when you're a villain, everything is like Opposite Land, so suffering plight means you smile all the time.

I like how Ichigo comes to the conclusion that Baishin fused with his blade after realizing he doesn't carry a sword, even though he's a shinigami--and then YORUICHI, the chick that doesn't carry a blade, is right there.

Actually, it's all of them that engage in the Ichigo Feels Sorry for the Villain Ending Scene. They all act sad that Baishin died for some reason, and then Ichigo dourly notes that all that's left of him is his sword. Now there's a trick Muramasa would have loved to learn, remaining stable after your master's died without eating a forest of Menos!

A rather funny end gag has Kenpachi running alongside a bullet train in search of Baishin, still led astray by Yachiru's bullshit directions.

And in the end credits, all the shinigami are gallivanting about town in gigais and OH GODS WHAT ARE YOU WEARING HISAGI

Sooo not you, man.

Did... did the OVA just insinuate I'm gonna get violated by Aizen and friends?
Not sure if I disapprove. Only if it's you, Gin.


  1. What will be your next post. Also, what are your thoughts on Byakuya's death (he is confirmed dead by the bleach wiki at least)? If you were a judge who's job was to sentence the Gotei 13, who would you judge and what would their sentences be?

    1. My next post will be comparing the anime and manga versions of the Fullbringer arc

      I was rooting for Byakuya to die, but anyone who thinks he's actually dead for reals is pretty naive by this point. If Kubo can't be bothered to pull an excuse out of his ass at the last second for the triumphant victory montage (probably when Rukia has time to reflect on his supposed passing), he'll just have Orihime resurrect him. Which, come to think of it, would be pretty funny, since she'd be pulling a Quincy-obliterated soul back into existence.

      A judge working within the system, or my own judge? I'll just judge them based on my own sense of justice.

      All of the Gotei 13 would be censured harshly for dicking around passing around gourds of sake while Hollows munch on innocent souls; the fodder shinigami, obviously not as harshly.

      Kenpachi is insubordinate basically every second of the day, and has no interest in humans or their well being. The dude sliced a human in two because he found the battle boring. If I recall correctly, he even got in the way of Komamura and Tousen capturing a dangerous interloper (Ichigo) during SS arc because he wanted to fight him himself. What if Ichigo HAD been just as corrupt and deceptive and Aizen? All it takes is one soul to click on one of Soul Society's dozens of self destruct buttons, and all of reality would be in the shitter, you pint-brained, one-dimensional cock. Kenpachi's sentence is getting all his ridiculous invincibility hax siphoned into Tatsuki and Keigo.

      Mayuri, while definitely the most enjoyable character among the Gotei 13, is nevertheless irredeemably evil for reasons known to all. He gets his organs replaced with Operation board game pieces, watching as Nemu laughs and mocks the size of his dinkle before dissolving into mud.

      Finally, there's Yamamoto, who, lest we forget, was willing to char broil all of the good guys into cinders just to kill Aizen. As if being a dictator for 1,000 years wasn't enough, think about that--all Aizen really wanted was to enter the King's Realm. Would that really have been so catastrophic? The wiping out of a single town, that's where his ambitions ended. Killing every captain in the Gotei 13, on the other hand, would have meant it was eternal feeding frenzy time for all Menos. Earth would become their smorgasboard, and there'd be no one to stop them, not even the Vizards. Yamamoto's sentence is to die.

    2. Technically, Byakuya was (allegedly) killed by his own weapon and therefore not soul destroyed. Also, my punishments for Mayuri and Yamamoto differ from yours. I would do the same thing to Yamamoto as you want to do for Kenpachi, but for the Karakura citizens instead. I find it rather pointless to punish Mayuri because he's smart enough to find loopholes to most punishments (he would probably use the chance of having his organs replaced to replace his organs with cybernetic implants that he would put in his Operation! parts). He's also the best mind in SS. My sentence for him would be that he would be stripped of his rank as captain and restricted to the area in the science institute. He would still be the head of the science institute. Also, Mayuri probably had Nemu develop an Electra complex so that she would have an undying loyalty to him.

    3. What? A good guy actually died?! Ha, that's good one XD !

      And I'd probably replace the whole Gotei 13. Depending on their trustworthyness, the former members will be put into jail or sent to Hueco Mundo as a 24/7 Hollow Extermination Team. The less time they spend farting around not caring about Hollow attacks, the better.

  2. Will you ever do a review on the other filler bits like the beach episode and the Karakura superhero team?

    1. Nah. I mean, what's there to say, really?

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Not to sound like a jerk, but when are you going to the Fullbringer arc? hopefully this month.

    4. The reason I asked if you would review the rest of the filler bits is because I wanted to know what your opinion was of the Karakura riser part. Specifically, Chizuru raping a female arrancar.

    5. ...I did not know that happened. Wow.