Attack From Behind: BLEACH Meets Call of Duty, Pt. 1

My friends, it's time I pitched a throwback to those glorious old days I riffed badfic. I'm in a jovial mood and a certain horror must be mocked for our amusement.

That badfic is Bleach: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

After fighting enemies in every arcs, and every thing that they overcome, the Soul Society faces a new and powerful enemy. That enemy... is terrorism. Welcome to the world... of Modern Warfare. Based on the video game. Ichigo/Rangiku. Another couple.

Another couple!? MY CURIOSITY IS WHETTED.



Any connoisseur of fanfiction will know that the driving phenomenon is pairings. Mostly this is propelled by tweenage girls who need an outlet for romance. Sometimes, however, the shipping bug is run through the most terrifying strainer of all: the hormones of a 13-year-old boy raised on Counter-Strike.

Parings:

Ichigo/Matsumoto

Renji/Soifon

Byakuya/Yoruichi

Shuhei/Nemu

Uyru/Orihime

Isshin/Unohana

 What, no Orihime/Ichigo/Unohana/Kon? And really, why can't this little guy join in on the fun?

Going by its profile on OKCupid, it's just a really nice guy!!

The only pairing there that rings is, of course, Byakuya and Yoruichi. I'm pretty certain the only reason Ichigo is with Matsumoto is because, well

Honestly, guys, are there body parts to this mass of shapes and colors besides those titans? I need to be reassured she has arms and legs and strands of hair because my eyes aren't budging

I don't have a clue about those other pairings? Maybe they're inspired by Call of Duty. For all I know, Call of Duty features tons of endearing and quirky couples lovey-doveying amidst the hail of bullets and blood droplets. In any case, if you don't want to hear about Ichigo and Matsumoto's torrential affair then now's your chance to jump this train. Preferably to

(A/N: Rock N Roll Train by AC/DC from the album Black Ice.)

From here on, the author will be "Rock N Roll Train."

Night time in the Bering Sea just near the Bering Strait as rain brought heavy winds and strong thunderstorms causing almost some big waves throughout.
As the rain continues on pouring, a SH-60 Sea hawk Helicopter flies through the dark rain. Carrying troops of the British SAS which stands for the Special Air Service for the British Army.

Now, this might seem like just the tune for tempest rain (presumably sideways rain) all but pushing thunderclouds and whipping up heavy winds, but Rock N Roll Train actually began his epic prologue with solemn words

'Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.'

- John F. Kennedy

Mankind must end war, and what better way but through the SPECIAL AIR SERVICE FOR THE BRITISH ARMY!! How much gunfire can we pass through war's stupid skull? And how many death gods will it put out of work!?

What follows is the tales of some special ops and your prototypical jihadist uprising that, apart from the positively wheezy grammar, isn't too bad.

The man then sees the car as the two soldiers throws him in the backseat with the man sitting up and turning around with one of the soldiers knocking him with a AK-47 as he lays back and quickly sitting up with two men in the front while the soldier who knock him down, slams the door.

Dude. Breathe.

As cheesy as the drama may be, you honestly can't help but be amused by Rock N Roll Train's love of idealized gruff army dudes armed to the teeth for justice. They're his best efforts and it's endearing. There's even the stereotypical terrorist rhetoric complete with executions

"As one people, we shall free our breathe from the yoke of foreign oppression!"

Yeah! Free our breathes!

That being said, every time I try reading the Call of Duty sequences I find myself tuning out because I just don't care. But come on. Soul Society steps in. How can you possibly refrain from poking fun at that, how I tell you how

A couple of seconds later, the man then tries to open his eyes as he notice that he was once again being dragged someplace to a building when he sees the gate opening and notice a person standing there, seeing him coming towards it as his eyes closes again.
Once again, his eyes opens again as looks at the ground and then looks up seeing a old man with a with beard, looks at him and quickly orders the soldiers to the pole as they dragged him towards it.
Then he saw three people talking with the man just now. Three people were wearing black kimono clothing.

  Omg, it's gotta be Yamamoto, right? Right?

Suddenly, the man notice that the voice on the intercom, was speaking in person as he looks and sees the man talking to the camera as he was getting tied up on the pole by two soldiers.
"Just as they lay waste to our country, we shall lay waste to theirs."
The man then looks at the other man as he finish speaking and walks up to the white bearded man as he looks like he aims his pistol at the man but then gives him the pistol and gave the three black kimono men pistols as well as they follow the fourth man back to the camera.
"This is how it begins."
(Slow motion)
The man and other three men walks up to their prisoner and aims their pistol with a click and finally pulls the trigger with a bang and everything fade to black.
(End slow motion)
The man who was shot was non other than President Yasir Al-Fulani of Saudi Arabia.
The man who shot him was coup d'etat rebel leader Khaled Al-Asad and the person who gave him the gun was Russian ultranationalist Imran Zakhaev.
And the three kimono dressed men was non other than... Sosuke Aizen, Gin Ichimaru, and Kariya.
It was just the beginning as the Soul Society and Soul Reapers prepares for the greatest enemy that they ever face... the war on terrorism was about to began.

OH HOLY FUCK I NEED SLOW MOTION SOMEONE GIVE ME SLOW MOTION BEFORE I HYPERVENTIT'S TOO LATE

Ha

Ha

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Well what do you know, you were good for something after all, Sasuke

You know, it's not immediately apparent why Aizen and Ichimaru would ally themselves with puny human terrorists. Why are they even visible? Are they in gigais? And why are these ultranationalists using these mighty death gods as run of the mill gunmen when Kariya's shoulders alone are perfectly suited for all out tank warfare?

Russian ultranationalist Imran Zakhaev was particularly drawn to Kariya's flat scalp.

Doorways were always Kariya's number one nemesis, so it's not surprising he'd aid and abet bombers even if they are filthy humans. And it's not puzzling that he'd form a truce with two shinigami fellows who are also dead set against SS (that's Soul Society, not Special Air Service). My question is why he didn't get with Tsukishima to warp the perspective of doors so he can enter them with those massive shoulders. I don't even think he can pass through doors sideways with that starched collar he's got going (like any vampire worth his salt).

If you don't remember Kariya, shame on you. Go read my articles on the Bount arc. I promise they're hilarious. Not that it's very easy to forget everyone's favorite betrayal-happy vampire dude who eats people's souls even as he stakes our hearts. All it takes is a single night of bug juice steroids to live in infamy, my friends.

In any case, I feel sorry for the President of Saudi Arabia, not only for the brutal execution, but because no such thing ever existed to begin with. Oh the tragedy

On to the next chapter:

A/N: Here's a new chapter.
Bleach: Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
Chapter three: Peaceful in Japan
(A/N: Beautiful Day by U2 from the album All That You Can't Leave Behind.)

I think that's the most adorable author's note ever. Doesn't it make you want to pinch his cheeks?

At a house, just in the neighborhood of Tokyo, a teenage boy gets up from bed and stretches his arms in the air as he yawned.
His name is Ichigo Kurosaki.

Ichigo doesn't live in Tokyo but okay.

He is a 15-year-old who attempts to cultivate a detached image, for which he keeps his eyebrows constantly furrowed. He has natural orange hair, a fact that annoys many bullies in his school, who constantly pick fights with him. He even claims that he does not care what others thinks and seems to enjoy fighting the bullies.

Kudos, kid, that's far more than Kubo himself remembers.

Rukia pops back up in Ichigo's home to annoy him during summer vacation, her shinigami duties evidently a secondary concern. Isshin and the girls went to Hawaii for two weeks, leaving him alone (if he did the research that lots of Japanese do go on holiday in Hawaii as it has a substantial Japanese population, kudos once again).

"Look. I'm sorry I'm ruining your great week all alone in this house.", Rukia said.
"Yes and all thanks to you two.", Ichigo said as he sits down on the couch and turns on the tv.
"Excuse me! Don't ever talk about me that way!", Rukia yells as
"Yeah. At least I'm on Rukia side." Kon then tries to grope her breasts when she threw him down and steps on him. "Okay, I'm sorry."

Scintillating.

"Shhh. Here it comes.", Rukia said as Kon climbs on the couch, sitting on Ichigo's right shoulder as the news comes on.
"Good morning, Tokyo. This is World News this morning. We want to say we do apologize for the interruption of our regular broadcast but we will probably not going to get back to our program throughout the entire morning for the beautiful Saturday morning. And of course, we have been following the situation of our continuing coverage of the War on Terrorism. This people has just shock the world here today that President of Saudi Arabia Yasir Al-Fulani, has been assassinated by non other than U.S. and British Most Wanted man connected to Al-Qaeda, rebel leader Khaled Al-Asad.", the reporter said on TV.
"Well, seems like this is getting not so good for the world.", Ichigo said.

You know, if he hadn't specified the reporter on TV, I would have assumed that reporter spontaneously materialized in the room. Ichigo briefly recaps 9/11 and the ongoing manhunt for bin Laden before the reporter on TV makes an important announcement, all the while remaining within the TV and not climbing out.

"We have a video footage that was just send by Middle Eastern Television Network Al Jazeera of the assassination of the President by Al-Asad. And we will show it to you right now. But before will show it to you, we want to remind everyone that this footage you are going to be seeing is not a movie. It's not fake. This is reality of terror. So, we want to remind you that the video you are about to see almost contains Strong Graphic Violence. So here we go.", the reporter said as the station airs the video.

Mommy, can we switch to Don Kan'onji

No Daigo, watch this, it's good for you. This is the REALITY OF TERROR.

--Uuuuuuuu--

Don't make me keep your eyelids open, dear

"This is how it begins.", Al-Asad said as he walks up to the president and shot him in the head with blood glushing out.
"Oh my, God.", Rukia said as she covers her mouth and her eyes wided in shock.
"Man. Is he that crazy?", Kon asked.
"After that, the world is probably in shock after what they are seeing.", Ichigo said.
"I wonder what was that all about?", Rukia asked.
"They want their own Human Rights. Now, the country is now being taken over by him now. He's in control.", Ichigo said.
"Wow. I never knew the real world would be like this in the hands of terrorism.", Rukia said.
"Yeah. Now probably be the best safest place is the Soul Society right now.", Ichigo said.

Now probably be the best safest place is NOT the Soul Society. There are Soul Nazis, and these Soul Nazis who are yet worse make the Soul Society not the best safest place.

"This is what I would like to call the end of the world.", Kon said.
"Anyway, terrorism doesn't exactliy attack here in Japan. Lucky it's in a far away country.", Ichigo said.
"You got that right.", Rukia said as Ichigo then gets up from the couch and walks to the front door.

If only there were some vantage point whence humanity could be observed, perhaps by some corps of spirits sworn to protect the Earth?

Ichigo leaves for Urahara Shop because he has nothing else to do, and the scene shifts to the Rukongai.

The Soul Society is it meant to correspond to Heaven or Nirvana in human belief systems. It is the place where most departed souls and the Shinigami dwell.
Rukongai is the largest portion of Soul Society and the most populated. It is divided into 320 districts (80 in North Rukongai, 80 in West Rukongai, etc.), each numbered in descending order on how far they are from the center; this results in the higher-numerated (and farther) districts decaying into slums. Thus, while District 1 is peaceful and lawful, much like the antiseptic lifestyle of early-Edo Era Kyoto, District 80 is a hardscrabble, violent, crime-infested area that more depicts Heian era Kyoto. There is no indication that the Shinigami or any other agencies patrol the streets of Rukongai, and as a result, the citizenry are mainly responsible for their day-to-day welfare.

Uhhh... "antiseptic"? Somebody add that to the wiki article on early-Edo Era Kyoto.

Inside one of the bedrooms of the Seireitei, a young beautiful attractive woman with long, wavy, strawberry-blond hair and icy blue eyes with her most distinctive and extremely large breasts as she was wearing her grab typical of Shinigami, though she lets her robes hang loose for her ample bosom to be revealed. She also wears a necklace and a pink scarf over her arms.

I've never heard a bust described as distinctive before.

She tends to be a slacker who does not like paperwork and loves to drink. She is not the slightest bit modest about her appearance, frequently referring or complaining about her large breasts in normal casual conversation much to the embarrassment/amusement of anyone around at the time
She is not above using her considerable feminine charms to get her way, as shown when she tries - albeit unsuccessfully - to bribe Ichigo Kurosaki into letting her stay at his house.

I'm sure there's more to her than being a booby bimbo. And I'm sure we'll find out in the 10,562nd year of the THOUSAND YEAR BLOOD WAR what really lies at the core of her being.

Matsumoto's favorite food is dried persimmon, just like that of Ichimaru. She does not like bamboo shoots because of their sharp flavor. Her favorite pass-time activities are afternoon napping and Japanese dance. It is also known that she collects kimonos, and grabs every opportunity to get herself treated to sake, she can spend her entire free days drinking. Her favorite drinking buddies are Shunsui Kyōraku and Shūhei Hisagi.

Am I reading a story or a stalker's journal here

Hitsugaya banishes Rangiku from SS because she didn't do the paperwork again. My mind can only cast this scene's Hitsugaya as Joe Pesci from Goodfellas

"Matsumoto, I can't take this anymore, your always sleeping and drinking and never do any of your paperwork leaving me to do it all…I'm sorry Matsumoto I can't work like this anymore.", Toshiro said.
"Toshiro, please!", Rangiku said with tears coming out of her eyes.
"I'm here by you, to be banned from the Soul Society. Starting today, I want your stuff packed. Your sword to give to me before you leave. I want you out of this place and leave by tonight. If you don't, I will arrest you and be found guilty for treason.", Toshiro said as he turns around and tries to leave.
"You can't. Please give me one chance.", Rangiku said, catching his leg to stop him.
"NO! THAT'S IS IT AND THAT'S FINAL! NO MORE CHANCES! YOU BLEW IT! NOW, I must report this to Commander-General for your banned. I'll be back later to see your stuff packed and gone.", Toshiro said as he leaves and slides the door close.

Hitsu, I don't think neglecting to do paperwork is a treasonous act. Oh wait, we are talking about Yamamoto here, that rotten old fucker probably thinks bending a paperclip out of shape is worthy of public execution

Back at Urahara Shop, there's a huge line for the sale on HD Plasma Flat TV's with a free DVR system.
You know, I always wondered how exactly Urahara makes any money when he has a pool of two customers max

"Okay. Well, if you don't mind I will like to go in.", Ichigo said as he began walking towards the front door when he was pushed back from the door.
"Yeah, right. You just trying to cut in line in front of everyone.", the person said.
"Now, wait! I was just going in to help! The storekeeper here is my friend and I am told to come!", Ichigo said.
"You're lying!", the person said.
"Let's hit him!", the other person said.

If only those people knew, Ichigo, that you are their savior. If only they'd seen the things you've seen, ICHIGO. Are you sure Karakurans aren't the enemy you should really be fighting

"Ichigo, I try to tell you to go around at the back.", Kisuke said.
"Oh. Well I was in a hurry.", Ichigo said as he gets back up on his feet.
"Doesn't matter. Just hurry on to the back of the shop and help Renji, Orihime, Tessai, Jinta, Ururu, and Yoruichi with the other stuff.", Kisuke said.

Gotta love that natural dialogue, I'm laughing along with MetaMario, D. Jones and Mr. Ixolite here at the Applied Logic secret HQ headed by myself and MetaMario and Mr. Ixolite (D. Jones is our understudy)

I'm going to take Renji's failure and near death at this task as a given and continue to write for this blog along with MetaMario, D. Jones, and Mr. Ixolite

In the back of the store, Ichigo sees the others carrying boxes inside to the shop.
"Must been a lot of work to get.", Ichigo said as he walks up to them.
"Well, it's about time. Quick, help us get these boxes inside. Be careful with them.", Renji said, when Ichigo notice that he has a black eye on his right eye.
"Renji, what happened to your right eye?", Ichigo asked.
"Uh, to tell you the truth. Kisuke punch me.", Renji said.
"What you do?", Ichigo asked.
"Because he notice that me and Yorurchi had sex together one day at the Hot Springs.", Renji said.
"What? You had sex with Yorurchi?", Ichigo asked.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault. Blame her. She's hunting Virgins and quickly forcing them to have sex with her.", Renji said.
"Great. That's why I hate about. Lucky me, I'm still a virgin. And if she's going to find me and sleep with her, she got it all wrong.", Ichigo said.
"Well, if it isn't Ichigo.", a voice said as they quickly turn around and saw Yorurchi leaning at the back door way.
"Great. I hope she didn't hear us.", Ichigo said.
"I hope Kisuke didn't either.", Renji said.
"So what was this all about?", Yorurchi asked as she walks up to them.
"Uh, nothing. Just talking about other stuff.", Ichigo said.
"Okay. Look I understand that Kisuke hit your eye.", Yorurchi said.
"All thanks to you. I can't believe it was all just a trap. Now I completily lost my virginity.", Renji said.
"Hey, you guys going to help or not?", the red headed boy yells.
"Yeah, yeah, we're coming.", Ichigo said as the three helps the others with the box.

That's why I hate about, too, Ichigo. It's such a pain in the neck to get raped, even without the punch from your boss afterwards, it's not a fun time at all. And then you have to continue working side by side with your serial rapist and probably get another black eye each time she decides to she wants to play with your fundamental sense of security and you've got to shake and shiver under the showerhead all night, what a stupid tease

Rukia hears of Rangiku's unfortunate exile and scurries to make arrangements for her to crash at Casa Kurosaki. I'll never understand why they need lodgings in the first place if they're just souls, let alone why they need to stay at Ichigo's place if they're invisible and can sleep anywhere they like. Maybe Ichigo's virginity shines like a warm, inviting beacon

When they left, they've forgot to turn off the tv when the news once again came on to reveal an update on the assassination.
"We have just got developing news that in the wake of the assassination of the President of Saudi Arabia, both the United States and British Governments have responded that they will both go after Al-Asad after all. The President of the United States will send United States Marines to the Middle Eastern Countries to capture Al-Asad while the Prime Minister of Britain will send SAS troops to Central Russia where a civil war has been going on."
"We will get more updates on this situation as we continue on continuing coverage of the War on Terrorism. Also coming up later tonight on our next news cast, we will give the updates on the search for a missing Estonian cargo ship, which vanished in the Berling Sea just near the Berling Strait during a thunderstorm."
"Will have all the updates for now. Now, back to our regular program."
The news ended as it went back to its regular program.

Phew, that was close! For a second you had me believing they weren't going to switch back to their regular programming, Rock N Roll Train!

I think for now we'll leave off with Chapter 4, Into Russia and Rangiku comes to the Real World

"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result."
-Winston Chruchill

How drunk were you, Winston

British SAS (Special Air Service) Military Base- Ouskirts of London, England
The British SAS, which stands for the Special Air Service, is a special forces regiment within the British Army which has served as a model for the special forces of other countries.
The SAS forms a significant section of United Kingdom Special Forces alongside the Special Boat Service (SBS), Special Reconnaissance Regiment (SRR), and the Special Forces Support Group (SFSG).

Yes but do they look like THIS

"Oh, I can tell. You're ALL virgins."

Boss, Al-Asad just executed President Al-Fulani live on national television.
It's too late to do anything for Al-Fulani now, but in three hours codename Nikolai will be executed in Northern Russia.
Nikolai, sir?
Nikolai is our agent in the Ultranationalist camp. He supplied the Intel on the cargo ship Operation. Nikolai's going through hell right now, and we're gonna walk him out. We take care of our own.

The cargo ship operation was the prologue. It was basically just a setpiece to introduce the Call of Duty team. What I want to know is: Do nationalists have to level up to supernationalist and then meganationalist until they earn their ultranationalist belts? Does that make Putin a giganationalist? Did Winston only say that quote because his blubber reflected bullets? And what color underwear is D. Jones wearing?

They go to Russia, where there's a civil war brewing, to rescue their agent. Meanwhile, in Seireitei

"She was ordered to do paperwork by me and decided not to do it as I thought.", they turn around and saw their Captain, Toshiro.
"Um, sir. I understand that but... isn't that too hard for her.", the soldier said.
"It was the right thing to do. But don't worry, I'll try to find another lieutenant for her replacement. And of course, anyone who felt bad for her, will be found guilty of treason and will be sentence. Do I make myself clear?", Toshiro asked.

Good GOD, Hitsu. Take a fucking genki pill

"Was this the right thing to do?", Yamamoto asked.
"To tell you the truth, it was the right thing to do.", Captain Jushiro Ukitake of the 13th Division said.
"And why do you agreed it was the right thing to do?", Yamamoto asked.
"Because, we see her always drinking and not being told what to do.", Captain Sajin Komamura of the 7th Division said.
"Your right. I mean, she always invites so many people to drink. Then gets them to seduce her. She's is not a good lieutanant to choose.", Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi of the 12th Division said.

She gets them to seduce her? What kind of bullshit is this

"I'd also agreed on that. I mean, why was she bother to come and graduated at the academy for in the first place.", Captain Shunsui Kyoraku of the 8th Division said.
"Well, Gin on the other hand, entered her when they were both kids.", Sajin said.
"Really?", Yamamoto asked.
"Where is Gin? Isn't he supposed to be here?", Jushiro asked.
"He said he had to do something. So that's why we're starting without him.", Yamamoto said.
"Wait a minute. What about Captain Sosuke Aizen of the 5th Division. Wasn't he suppose to be here for this?", Sajin asked.
"He decided to take a leave of absent.", Yamamoto said.
"Wonder why?", Soifon asked.
"Anyway, are we here to talk about Former Lieutanant Matsumoto's banishment of the Soul Society or not?", Yamamoto asked.
The meeting then continues on.

HOW DO YOU GUYS NOT KNOW ANYTHING. I like how Yamamoto is fine with Ichimaru going "Uhh yeah I need to do a thing" and just left it at that. I also like the irony of chastising Rangiku for laziness when it's perfectly all right for Aizen to take a sudden leave of absence. Duties shmuties

Meanwhile, Winston Churchill takes a leave of absinthe, and a song with a rather eye-catching name plays

(A/N: Say Hello To Heaven by Temple of the Dog from the album Temple of the Dog.)

As the meeting goes on, outside, a woman with a beautiful pony tail right in front of her, is looking at the blue sky.
Her name is Retsu Unohana.

...

"Unohana.", a voice snaps her away from the sky and sees a man with long black hair walking to her.
His name is Byakuya Kuchiki.

...

"Oh, hello, Byakuya.", Unohana said.
"What are you doing out here? Are all captains suppose to be in there?", Byakuya asked.
"Are you as well?", Unohana asked.
"I like to go in. But I didn't feel like it.", Byakuya said.
"Me either.", Unohana said.

But... BUT THEY JUST BANISHED RANGIKU FOR THE SAME DAMN THING

"So you heard about it?", Byakuya asked.
"Who?", Unohana asked.
"Lieutenant Matsumoto's banishment from the Soul Society.", Byakuya said.
"Oh. Yes I heard about it. I was shock that Toshiro would be the one banishing her. I thought it would be like neither Yamamoto or Soifon. But Toshiro, I was shocked.", Unohana said.
"I know. But you have to think about it. Rangiku, was too lazy and carefree when Toshiro orderes her to do work. And what does she do... nothing.", Byakuya said.
"I understand that. But, she was funny when she take thing seriously and even trying to be all gorgeous by showing her enormous breasts.", Unohana said.
"Well, it was a little funny.", Byakuya said, almost chuckling a bit.

This dialogue is fucking amazing. Rock N Roll Train was truly a deft hand at copypasting long ass synopses of the characters after they're introduced--and then proceeding to mangle them anyway.

"Hello, Yachiru.", Unohana said.
"What is it you want?", Byakuya asked.
"I heard about Rangiku. I felt bad after what Toshiro did. I went to tell the others about it. Even the others people in the town felt bad about it.", Yachiru said.
"It's kinda very difficult about the situation. Now the 10th Division ain't got no lieutanant.", Byakuya said.

Jeez, it's almost as though a Byakuya dramatically changed in some fashion

Haha, now you HAVE to read Dangan Ronpa to get this joke, D. Jones

Pick one, Kachooka Byakooyak, is it kinda difficult about the situation or is it very difficult about The Situation

Pictured in the act of not having come here to make friends

Meanwhile, the president resolves to help the SAS capture the terrorist guy with his Marines

"We need like the Navy to send some landing ships and of course some Black Hawk Helicopters like an Air Cavalry to drop in the city. Then of course, let the Air Force do some air strikes all around the city so my boys can get the job done real quick.", the general of the Marines said.

Who knew the general of the Marines was a valley girl. So who are these Marines? Let's peek in at their training base in California, where we have our brave her, Lieutenant Vasquez, connecting with a newbie!

"I see. So we [both] have children that wants to be in the Armed Forces serving their country.", Vazquez said.

"I sure hope we're not gonna get killed by evil death gods for dramatic effect! Because when I sired my children it was under the United States Pathos Fund for Cinematic Tear Jerkers and it doesn't cover death gods."

Well, that's just a guess, I actually haven't read ahead lol

Back at Urahara Shop, how much money do you think they made with their TV sale?

about $302 million dolliars.", Kisuke said.

I don't know what's more impressive, that he raked in 302 MILLION DOLLIARS in a day, or that he got all those people to pay in dollars as opposed to yen. Now that's just showing off

Everybody collects their pay, with no reaction to this gargantuan profit, presumably because they're mentally preparing themselves to become Kisuke's perfectly obedient human slave-pets

Urahara's bankai

Ichigo plops into bed in the dark, only to discover it's populated by twin fleshy mounds and the extraneous tumor attached to those mounds known medically as "the rest of Rangiku"

Ichigo then walks upstairs to his room as enters and closes the door then takes off his pants and into his black shirt and black boxers as he gets ready for bed.
"Well, at least tomorrow, everything is going to be perfectly fine. Better get some sleep."
He then enters to his bed and lays down on something confortable when he blink a couple of times, feeling something softy and squishy and warm against it.
"What is that?"
He puts his hand on it. Feeling it hot when he finally felt something with a bump on the tip of something as he reaches for the light and finally found out what he was laying on.
"Breasts?"

Why aren't we getting footage of THIS on network news, huh!?

"Breasts!"

Breasts.