AFB: In the War Room with As Nodt!

Hello, everyone. I've been playing a lot of Luigi's Mansion recently, and I figured I'd use my soul vacuuming skills to keep As Nodt around for a spot of tea coming off his stirring defeat this week. This chapter's developments were so exciting I nearly popped an emotion! It was scary--

Did someone say "SCARY"!?!?!?

Pipe down, you. Anyway, how are you for discussing some of the tactics in this epic clash of dumb vs. dumber?

CAN IT ALL BE BOILED DOWN TO A SINGLE EMOTION??

Maybe...?

Is that emotion...

Don't.

...FFEEARRR!?!? 


I think we're starting to see the main issue with the Vandenreich already!! They are a military force of simpletons.


That being said, why don't you introduce yourself, maybe fill us in on some of your other, hopefully non-fear hobbies?

Sure. It all started when I was born at age 32 from our Quincy King's glorious overused band-aid. Before then I was a wretched, weak thing, a mere son of the Whatyourcountrycandoforyou family. The children would pick on me! They would call me, "Ass Nuts," and what's worse is that even I couldn't deny the appeal of calling me Ass Nuts! It was FEARFUL, even! Anyway, after winning the Nobel Prize for inventing fear, I was honored to be granted a top spot in the Vandenreich--it sure beat being Nancy Grace's opinion writer!

Bach said my letter stood for a very choice four-letter word indeed!!

 As for non-fear hobbies, do fright and terror count?

I actually have your psych eval here. Surprisingly it says that the source of your abnormal mental condition was, to put it bluntly, "too many cockroaches bursting from every orifice."

I may have used a fear spike on her. I don't recall my body housing any cockroaches, but in the company of fellow Sternritters you can never sleep all that soundly.

Before we move on, care to share your thoughts on the... you know? Your death?

I have looked back on it from every possible angle--literally! And the conclusion I came to is that I would have emerged victorious if I had sprouted one more eyeball.

"What? Is it the eyeballs? It's the eyeballs, right?"

It was a

No, stop it!

SPOOKY occurrence!

Sigh. How do you like your tea, Nodty?

Like I like my SCARY MOVIES: with random tea kettle whistling jump scares! Get me everytime!

I see.

My favorite scary movie is Ghost!

No one asked, Nodty. No one asked.

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 1: Super Friendly Fire

So, I guess the number one thing I'd like to go over is, uh, how you all seem to love killing each other. I mean it's not as though Soul Society is wonderful at exhibiting the teamwork of an ant colony or anything, but at least they tend to wait for their buddies to get out of the way before pulling the trigger, if you get what I'm saying?

Oh, it's fine. You see, whenever one of our number kicks it, the piece of HIS MAJESTY'S spirit we borrowed flies back to him! We all owe our lives to him, and are immortal through him! At least, that's what they told us at the workshop.

But you'd think the fewer the soldiers, the thinner the blitzkrieg?

No, no, look. Think of Soul Society as a puppy. And the Vandenreich as 5,000 wolves the size of mountains with laser teeth.

Got it. Wait, is it the wolves or the mountains with the laser teeth?

Imagine the ffearr in the puppy's eyes--

You're getting off track again, Nodty.

Huh, what? Oh, right. Now, as the TERRIFYING laser teeth gigantowolves all lunge at the puppy at all once. They're bound to dig a few of their searing fangs into each others' hides as they crush the puppy into puppy paste, no?

So what you're saying is that the Vandenreich is so assured in its superiority that they can afford to lose soldiers willy nilly?

Correct! 

I guess Soul Society has been rather pathetic in this war. Why don't we focus on some of their failings?

I'm AFRAID there are too many to count! Hohoho!

Shut up Ass Nuts.

Questionable Soul Society Tactic 1: Waltzing into the Bankai Trap

Even after getting debriefed about the enemy's evident desire to goad them into using their bankais, Komamura, Soi Fong, Shitsupieceof and Byak Byak the Braveheart hatch the, in hindsight, flawed counter-strategy of "if we don't think about bad things they stop existing." When that backfired, it was Komamura who suffered in particular, as his bankai was the only thing he ever used. (Barring Byakuya's day trip brush with death, of course.) This forced Komamura to resort to his suicidal super form. Wait--are we sure Koma's bishie upgrade wasn't his secret desire all along?

"Do you mind singeing off this arm fur while you're at it?"

I'm sure Komamura was glad his human form was suitably handsome and that he didn't used to look like Boris Yeltsin or something.

Why, what did he look like before?

Well, like this:

"Who put these kibbles in my bits!!!"

YAAAAA!! SCARYYY!!!

Calm down, Nodty! You're splitting open again.

Wolves are scary though!

Doubtlessly. Here, this ought to coax a laugh or two.

I think I met this guy at the gym once.

Gihahahahaha! You always know how to cheer me up! Though actually the only one who can cheer me up is HIS MAJESTY YHWACH BACH!

You say that but. You know what, never mind. Let's shift back to the Vandenreich. After all, the Gotei 13 may have been erroneous to let their bankai flies open, but you guys never did anything with the bankais you'd stolen!

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 2: Squandering the Bankais

That's easy to explain! Say the gigantowolves gained the ability to deploy the puppy's own fleas against it--

So why go through the trouble of procuring said fleas to begin with?

This too they covered at the seminar. If we get bitten by fleas, we'll actually feel an ounce of resistance, and therefore be able to gain at least SOME experience points from this war!

That's an awful lot of fleas from a single puppy. Aren't the gigantowolves each the size of a mountain?

It's an awfully nasty puppy! Besides, as it turns out, the bankais were only ever just jamming our natural abilities.

C'mon, you can't tell me you wouldn't have been able to wreak more havoc with Senbonzakura than with a bunch of fear eyeballs.

Yes, I suppose that's true, but...

...But?

Senbonzakura is SCARY, man! What if I breathed in some of its shards???

That'd be tough to explain at the clinic, huh.

I don't want to find spirit petals in my urine, is all I'm saying. I don't know how that Kuchiki does it.

Eh, Byakuya probably just doesn't ever breathe. It wouldn't surprise me, he's well past the half dead mark. By the way, what happened to Yhwach scolding you being the only thing you feared?

Okay, HIS MAJESTY and the occasional episode of Goosebumps! And clowns. I HATE clowns.

There there, Ass Nuts. There there.

Actually, I think something scary might cheer me up.

In that case

"Place head here"

  By god, that man's teeth have fused into one curved RIDGE of enamel!!

Questionable Soul Society Tactic 2: The Kenpachi Slugfest

So what do you do when you're facing your toughest extinction threat to date? Cull your workforce. Unohana was once the Kenpachi--in fact, she was the first. And now Zaraki must take her title so that he may level up, as it were, and there's no other way than a duel to the death. At this rate I'm not sure there hasn't been more kills by friendly fire than by enemy fire. In addition, I think I'd prefer two beastly powerhouses to one slightly stronger one. But there's tactics from Mr. Shot in the Head.

You can't see it but he's chewing on that hair right now

Kyouraku put a lot of thought into it, I'm certain. He spent a panel with a contemplative look! Clearly, he ran through every possible alternative:

a) Pit the Kenpachis in a blood fight?
b) Shoot self in other eye for unprecedented double eyepatch?
c) Burrow head into a concrete wall to see if it contains Yhwach?

His brilliant tactician's mind simply fell on (a) out of necessity. But wouldn't you say it was the same when you went about sacrificing The Yourself, Nodty?

I wasn't going into the fight with the intent of sacrificing myself, man! I just had a cold. It wasn't my fault.

No, no, THE Yourself.

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 3: Sacrificing The Yourself

"You'd be surprised how unnerving it can be to some people to meet a guy with a third eye who's also killing them."

So the idea behind Yhwach using Loyd as a double was to buy time so that he could offer Aizen a place in his army in person, right? That's why he needed to sacrifice him?

Was that why? I thought His Majesty just wanted to get rid him of him because he kept insisting on setting up a Vandenreich interpretive dance troupe with himself as the mime.

 The world could use fewer mimes. That being said, given Bach's STATED reasoning, why didn't he simply steal Yamamoto's bankai, kill him, and THEN go invite Aizen with all the time in the world? Royd is a pretty hax war asset, is he not? He could even have been used as a decoy or temporary mole.

 Now that you mention it, it IS weird the copycat twins weren't put to better use. If it were me I'd have made one of them transform into Rukia's buttcheeks and the other into a giant, kicking foot. To lower enemy morale.

That would definitely smart, though you should probably stick to cockroaches. Speaking of smarting...
 

Questionable Soul Society Tactic 3: Not Deploying the Medics

 It seems you can't toss a marble in Soul Society without it boring a wrecking ball hole into someone.

"Be thankful! I made yours pretty!"

 This happens so often that one might say the decision to lock the 4th Division from the battlefield is puzzling indeed. In poor Rose's case, for example, it was luck that he received treatment in time, as Rukia just happened to be descending into the scene at the time. Although there are some injuries that seem like long shots no matter what...

"Hang in there, Captain! We'll... we'll... who has a glass of water!?"

I get that the medics might be killed, too, but... surely they're a MILITARY squad for a reason?

Hahaha, a military squad? Surely you must be joking! If you want to see a military, you go visit our boys in uniform down in Hollow land!

You mean the Vandenreich's Hueco Mundo invasion unit!

They're a splendid bunch, they are; I personally put centipedes in all of their beers! That reminded them of the true meaning of Quincy mean-spiritedness and blind dickishness!
 

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 4: What is the Point of Staying in Hueco Mundo?

Somehow.

So, like, I get that you Quincies despise Hollows or whatever, but wouldn't those soldiers be put to better use over on the front of combat where the fate of the universe is on the line?

Hollows have holes in them that weren't caused by us! Scary!

 I suppose we'll all be impressed when Yhwach finally puts whatever use he has in mind with Halibel into action?

"I'm going to use you to birth SO MANY of my little Hollow babies!"

She's really in the SHARK tank now! Teehee!

Just saying, ganging up on every Captain with, like, two Sternritters, PLUS the HM invasion force PLUS whatever ace he's got up with his sleeve with Halibel would probably clean Soul Society's clock right fast--Aizen or no Aizen.

See here, buster, this is the Vandenreich! We're wolves with teeth the size of mountains, forming a single ridge of mountains which also have teeth made of lasers! Shark teeth to boot! In no time we'll kill every Hollow AND every shinigami!

You make me feel a little hollow inside, As Nodt. Say, that reminds me...

Questionable Soul Society Tactic 4: Where Are Your Hollow Powers, Vizards?

How about actually turning your head

Hollow masks are a general strength and speed buff and from what I understand, there's no time limit if you've mastered yours. ESPECIALLY if you're engaging the enemy, put on your goddamn mask.

Oh, oh!

Yes, Mr. Nodt?

Do their masks look as cool as mine?

I got it at a certain dungeon in Bangkok! They called it the Rib-tickler!

 Do you use it as a hole puncher for papers?

 Yes, but when I give some to people for Christmas they're always disappointed!

 That look they're giving you? That's not disappointment. That's cockroaches.

 Well what about THIS mask?

I had it looked over by a plastic surgeon! She ran away so I assumed that meant it was perfect!

So you're not TRYING to be scary with that face??

...Now you've gone and hurt my feelings.

You should hope that's where the hurt stays.

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 5: Run! My Minute Hand's Off!

Say, why don't we talk about how you fine fellows randomly pulled a runner when you had the upper hand?

And I had just gotten to kill Kuchiki, too! Ooooh I'll get him yet! Next time I'll chop him up into so many itty bitties it'll make Senbonzakura kill himself as an underachiever!

What was the reason Yhwach gave again? For running? Something along the lines of a time limit?

Perhaps he really wanted to let me catch Home Alone on ABC Family. He knows it's my favorite scary movie!

Okay, so let's assume the time limit thing is legit. Why wait so long to attack again! You only let the enemy recover.

Hey, do you remember the scene where they introduce Joe Pesci? I literally shat myself with sheer terror.

Literally??

Yes, my poop had taken the form of "sheer terror." Or at least, that's what my doctor told me.

Are you sure you didn't drive a fear spike into him.

I did think it was odd he described my stool sample as "a maddening vision of my family suffocating one by one in the most bitter reaches of space." Some people, I swear. He never let me back in after that.
 

Questionable Soul Society Tactic 5: MORE SUPER TRAINING PLS

So the people who were sent to Squad Zero for super training numbered four in total. Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, and Mr. Smilesabunch. Number 1, why didn't they send more people for super training? Number 2, why did they never bother before the war? Why did they never bother when they were given ADVANCE NOTICE of the war by the enemies?

The most stupid thing has to be Renji's "powerup." Evidently, even though he has achieved bankai, he didn't know his sword's REAL full name. Enter the guy who knows the names of all things or something

This guy.

He just gives Renji Zabimaru's actual name, and he can unleash it no problem? Doesn't that mean he can do that for everyone?? Why doesn't he unleash every Zampakutou in the Gotei 13!?

Fie on that man, I say! Here in the Vandenreich, we have a far better naming scheme, following the English alphabet! If I remember correctly, we have a role for every letter! It's absolutely beautiful! Here, let me show you! To the best of my recollection, it goes as follows...

A-- None other than His Majesty. His letter probably stands for The AMIABLE AND RUGGED!
B-- The Bazz.
C-- The Cang.
D-- The Du.
E-- The Elephantitis.
F-- The FEEAAARRR (<-----this is me!)
G-- The Geriatric!
H-- The Hangover
I-- The I
J-- The Jail
K-- The Kanga Banga
L-- The Lickety Split
M-- The Mohawk. Actually I can't remember if THIS was Bazz's...
N-- The Noam
O-- The Oblong
P-- The Pat the Rat
Q-- The Quisling
R-- The Ritz
S-- The Sanitary Napkin
T-- The Tuition Fee
U-- The Unlove
V-- The Vajayjay
W-- The Wookie
X-- The I Don't Even Know
Y-- The Yourself
Z -- Zelda, the secretary

I could be wrong on some of them, though. I have a cold. 

Questionable Vandenreich Tactic 6: Where's the Soul Vacuum?

Hey, Alphabet Soup, what is with your strange reluctance to simply engage your Quincy spirit vaccum ability and wipe out Soul Society in one blow?

You mean like that BRUTE Opie??

"They call me OP for a reason you know."

 I forgot I could do that!

Sigh. Do you want me to remind them?

Oooh, someone tweeted me that Gladiator is on! It's my favorite scary movie!

Somehow I think if it's you guys, even you could find a way to lose using the soul vacuum.