Attack From Behind: Heart Pounding Offscreen Action

When the Vandenreich pay Soul Society a visit, they mean business. Why, Seireitei was torn asunder by the Sternritters' ruthless scheme of standing around and mouthing off. The carnage was so grievous that Kubo couldn't show us all the Captain vs. Quincy fights he had lined up, and their blitzkrieg was so destructive that every captain came away with a scratch, or even two scratches. The following is a in depth analysis of how each of those fights must have transpired before Aizen's subtle perception hiccups made Bach think it was Daylight's Saving Time, forcing their retreat.

Fight 1: Kyouraku vs. Colonel Sanders

Long summary: Kyouraku gets shot a bunch of times, and once in the eye. They then trade quips flash expressions and stare at each other.

"I see you're still sharp despite my having shot you in the head. I must make a note of this in my Soul Nazi strategy guide."

Analysis: This is undoubtedly because the eyeblood was keeping Kyouraku's face slippery and well lubricated, which would make any further bullets simply slide away. Kyouraku invented this strategy to keep the number one thing he treasures the most, his appearance, from getting disfigured too badly.

Missing an eye? He's met the prerequisite for the label Big Boss

He got hurt in a sexy way, making this brief battle an overall victory for our brave new Captain Commander.

"Wait, you're supposed to take the bullet out first?"

Of course, the eyeblood couldn't make it down his neck in time to defend against the other bullets.

Kyouraku went on to produce several albums of gangsta fo sheezies.

On the other hand, Kyouraku may have taken those bullets on purpose in order to snap him back from the distraction that is Yamamoto's upwelling reiatsu. After all, it's not as though he hasn't ever fought a foe who wielded dual pistols. Against Starrk, Kyouraku used his sword's unique shikai ability to make children's games lethal, and since Starrk was a deeply boring man with no imagination, he succumbed to Kyouraku's impressive skill at describing basic colors and went down fairly easily. Colonel Sanders, on the other hand, is deeply boring in an altogether novel way that caught Kyouraku off guard. Either that, or a Soul Nazi is far too adept at listing the shortcomings of the various colors a human can be (e.g., black, not white, very black) to fall prey to such a technique.

The white shall NOT bow down to the mocha!!

One might argue that even with the eyepatch nothing happened that will have a lasting impact on Kyouraku, but this simply isn't true. Without his hat, he's much more prone to get skin cancer on his scalp, a development that would shock readers to their absolute cores.

Fight 2:NaNaNa Najahkoop vs. Rose

The hypothetical fight of the century

Long summary: NaNaNa and Rose trade quips and stare at each other. Then NaNaNa rushes off to ambush Yamamoto alongside fellow elite Quincy warriors Äs Nödt and Mohawk Dude.

These three were the best and brightest kindling the Vandenreich had to fodder.

Äs Nödt and you shall receive.

Analysis: NaNaNa begins his relentless onslaught by standing still and boasting that it will take him less than five minutes to kill Rose. This sheds light on the sense of superiority shared by the Quincy invaders. One can liken them to children who are finally allowed to talk smack once outside of the earshot of a boss who would kill a loyal soldier for deigning to speak in the future tense.

Rose, to his great credit, chooses to respond to words with words, despite his anger at all the lives reaped by this formidable squadron of exceedingly eccentric humans. Rose reflects on how rocking his guitar tunes were when he was with the now late Kira. This is clearly the psychological strategy employed by a sociopath who thankfully cares so little about his subordinates that he can condense them to a guitar tune with nary a tear in sight, and it successfully sends NaNaNa to his death as he decides to tear down a decrepit old man to boost his own shattered ego. As Rose stated, "Don't think you can go home alive, Quincy." He never said it would be himself who killed the invader.

Why didn't Rose employ his mask or his shikai?

It's because those must be reserved for playing his Flying V on stage with.

Fight 3: All the Quincies Who Stole Bankais Don't Bother Using Them

"All right, which one of us ended up with the shitty missile launcher?"

Long summary: These four Sternritters gleefully snatch away the bankais of Komamura, Soi Fong, Hitsugaya and Byakuya because the captains were merely under the impression that their bankais would be sealed, not stolen. The Sternritters proceed triumphantly to do nothing with them.

Analysis: Both Soul Society and Quincies are very, very stupid. I blame Tsukishima for this one.

If it's dumb, it's Tsukishima's fault. Yeah.