AfB: I Am Also Good at Crossing Checklists

Hello, everyone. It's been some time since the last article, so I have lots of ground to cover (...or do I?). In any case, I have quite the checklist of meaningless occurrences to cover in a humorous fashion, spanning from that time Riruka reappeared to basically no consequence. And, in much the same way that BLEACH has essentially devolved to crossing off bankais and reveals in an uninspired, perfunctory manner, so I shall strive to get through all of it as quickly as possible. 

 
To that end, I've invited Lille Barro, the sniper of the Vandenreich. Greetings, Mr. Barro.

Pictured: What refugees look like to Republicans

I am God’s prophet! Do you hear me!?

Yes, yes. You’ve been screaming as much since back in the other-dimensional green room. Now tell me, what was it like being the sniper of the Vanden--

I’m NOT just “the sniper of the Vandenreich!” Take back that blasphemy at once! I am an envoy of God!!

I apologize. But wait, didn't Yhwach hate guys who thought they were prophets?

"Can you predict the future of my mustache?"

Kids, I’m here to tell you that you can be anything.

...Well, that’s lovely, except that there won’t be kids anymore after you destroy the unive--

Shhh. You’re confusing them. Kids: You can be anything. Your personality can be anything, at any given time.

Uhhhh… a lovely sentiment. I guess?

Nothing about you is set in stone. You could be screaming your head off one minute and then be the picture of stoicism the next. You could be a sniper dude and then have nothing to do with sniping. Isn’t that wonderful? God commands you to be free! You are free to be you, and also about fifteen other character designs cycled through randomly!

Hole of Reproach: An additional remark to the Pernida Fight

Yes I'll be getting off my ass to write something new as well.

But first I would like to point out something that wouldn't really fit into the next article.

So Mayuri defeated Pernida by making it explode after it ate all the pieces of Nemu.

So in other words he had to have specifically engineered Nemu's body to produce regeneration that will explode someone if they eat her.

Then he had to bet on Pernida, a giant hand with an eye and no visible mouth, having the need to eat. Because remember, Souls don't actually need to eat as far as we've been told way back, because they're dead and I assume he's a soul given he's one of the Spirit King's severed hands.

Then he had to bet on Pernida deciding to eat Nemu.

And all of his clones had to do so was well.

And all of them had to start eating at the exact same time so none of them blew up before all of them got a piece.

So even by Bleach standards this is an absolutely amazing stretch.

Hole of Reproach: The Prodigal Liar returns

Yawn. Well that was a fine nap. Hope I didn't oversl....

*Looks at calendar*

Oh, uhm, well, that was sure a long and totally justified absence with real, substantial reasons behind it.

Okay, let me level with you folks. I've kinda been overwhelmed with stuff in real life, which made me less motivated to mock Bleach, which also kinda settled into just mostly really boring territory for a bit. But I believe it's now time for me to come back from the grave and give a summary of the preceeding events. This first post shall cover the amazing saga of Baby Hold Your Hand parts 2 through 7 and then we'll see from there. Such a shame, so much pidgeon english we could have been graced with had not Kubo insisted on getting a manicure instead.

Chapter 639: The Chapter where Pernida's master strategy is revealed

So this chapter we discover Pernida's strategy involves dismembering itself. Because being a severed hand gives you the power to do that.

Well, Pernida certainly has taken giving people the finger quite literally

An absolutely fool-proof strategy as long as it don't fight more then five people. Or doesn't get anything in it's eye. So basically it should avoid string sextets performing Richard Strauss.

At the point where we find out that the ancient, immortal God-Ruler of Soul Society and the World, so sacred he can't actually be bothered to govern it and has to be locked in a big hamster bubble in a completely seperate dimension, apparently walks on his hands.

That's how you do done hands right ?

This explains so much.

And somehow this same moon logic leads to Mayuri's bankai being a....pregnant baby.

I'd get into the deeply disturbing points I'm sure you're all wondering about but my immediate question is: why does it have lamps (?) hanging off the side like some sort of traffic light ?

I'm very confused. Not just because this is disturbing on a fundamental level but remember, sword spirits/manifestations are artificial beings, and Mayuri says this is a "modified" Bankai. So did he...intentionally make it look like a big baby that gives birth to smaller babies on purpose for some sort of sick ironic statement ?

And then he has the things it produced be in constant pain because it's nerve are on the outside.

Just....why the fuck does anyone keep this guy employed ? Because no matter how efficient your Severed Head powered ceiling fan is, there's only so many times you can break the laws of Gods and Men before someone files a complaint at Human Resources...unless that's where you work for the sake of irony.

The chapter ends with these shrieking abominations eating the hands Pernida grew because it forgets it can punch things momentarily.

Chapter 640 begins with a full colour display of all the Quincies from this arc.

Ah the memories. Strong arm girl who gets killed offscreen, Colonel Quincey who pointed a gun at someone once and died, Chinese Stereotype dude who got killed off by Hashbrick because he had the audacity to not win against Bankai the first time he faced it, the wonderfully usefull and not at all last-second out of nowhere plot twist inducing Lrlrlrloyddd brothers and Kirge, the guy who absorbs Hollows because Quincies are genetically designed to be deathly allergic to them. Also it's funny how Big Fang dude, aka the guy who got killed offscreen by Kenpachi and showed up in like one panel is in full view but Brains McJarboy is camouflaged in the back there.

Mayuri once more demonstrating that mental health that in no way makes him a hiring risk.

Remember, this is the guy they let be in charge of all the really dangerous shit.

But then what everyone expected to happen happens and Kubo graces us with the sight of an exploding baby.

Because we definitely needed to see that. Mayuri almost gets shot by Pernida's bow (a Quincie using a bow ? That's so random lol) but maybe if it wasn't down to just three fingers it's aim might be a bit better. Just a theory. And it can apparently regrow it's fingers. And it can shoot one bow from each finger it has. So why was it awkwardly grasping at that one bow before ? Did it just not want to hit Mayuri ?

Nemu makes the save but Mayuri gets pissy about her dying being an annoyance for him. Because I do so care about the emotional baggage of a man who blew up his own men as living bombs and casually committed genocide at the beginning of this same arc. Not to mention the whole thing with the Quincies and you'd think the dude would be a lot higher on their hit list but Kubo's apparently completely forgotten about that as usual.

Chapter 641 Doesn't have much except Mayuri blabbing out his plan to kill Pernida with a coagulating drug, delivered in his usual subtle way.

I'm the best diversion ever, there's no way they can see through my clever rouse of telling them I'm a diversion !

It's so bad Nemu calls him out on it. But still people reveal their plans and powers to the enemy all the time in Bleach, when has that ever backfi-

The unthinkable happened, they actually listened to what I was saying !

You had one job dude.

Chapter 642 is Backstory Time !

In short Nemu is the seventh artificial soul Mayuri made. Apparently every attempt before that was basically a failure.

There is shockingly little I can say about this chapter aside from commenting on the inconsistency of "growth" for Shinigami considering that pigtail girl has been the same age for centuries. Also souls now have cells that divide. As well as blood. And organs. Basically being dead has long stopped meaning anything in this series.

These two chapters especially impeded me getting back on track because there isn't really much here.

Chapte 643: Now that Nemu is facing Pernida instead of Mayuri she is forced to literally use up her own soul to fight it.

Resulting in her blowing the thing that multiplies by division into pieces.

In hindsight this was not the best idea

Boy you're really putting all that stuff you apparently learned about to good use ! Annnnd she gets blowed up. Mayuri then for some reason has hallucinations of Szayel.

I'm certain everyone reading remembers me, I do look so unique and all.

Considering Kubo's totally unique design method I was actually stumped for a bit wondering if this isn't a character I'd just forgotten about. But no Mayuri just has random hallucinations of people he's killed just in case he's not been raising enough mental flags with his usual behaviour.

Thankfully Mayuri manages to kill Pernida via her exploding regenerating cells when it decides, for no real reason, to eat Nemu's remains. I'd love to know what his solution would be if Pernida didn't just randomly decide to do that.

Chapter 644: Mayuri tries to look cool by walking out of the blast but his legs are broken. He's found by these two guys from Zaraki's division and yes I could look up their names but Kubo filled my brain with nonsense like Nananna Najakhoop and Askin Nakk le Vaar and I want to keep a few brain cells handy.

Also thanks for all the massive help you've been

And look Mayuri scienced up a way to dezombify people. I guess he had time when they were all standing around in front of an open door for several months.

I love the part where it has a stand but he's still holding it up in the air anyway, despite how needlessly big it is

And now we move on to Black Dude # 18 aka Sniperguy. He's sure looking nice and snipery with his sniper rifle sniping at people like a sniper would do. But his sniper rifle is not match for Kyouraku's children's games and it's sliced in half. Oh noes, how will he snipe people without his sniper rifle ?

Chapter 645: Sniperdude wonders how Kyouraku snuck up on him while the latter stands around blabbing about how it's weird a Quincie doesn't know what a Daruma is.

Yes a culture consisting of living inside of an ice palace, being somehow both German, Chinese and Black and apparently all being dead maybe

Of course Kyouraku's Daruma-san technique gets explained to the enemy, as well as the reason why Sniperdude can't seem to shoot Kyouraku. I'd just like to point out this is the exact same thing that lead to Mayuri's plan backfiring a few chapters ago.

The guy almost avoids doing something as stupid but...

Revealing your strategy is stupid, now let me reveal my strategy.

he still explains what his power is anyway.

Chapter 646 continues the rivetting standoff of Sniperdude standing there and Kyouraku jumping at him.

Meanwhile his apparently still functioning rifle gets cut to size yet again.

Good thing his power isn't being all seeing or anything because then him getting his shit repeatedly slashed to pieces would be embarassing.

Sniperguy gets so pissed off he runs at Kyouraku....to explain the origin of his gun. And he nearly gets cut down by Kyouraku but then when Kyouraku actually lands a hit it doesn't count because apparently if he opens his eyes three times during a fight he becomes intangible and automatically pierces his opponent. Because reasons, and stuff. And why didn't he just use his Cheat Mode earlier ?

My power is to never change my opinion, except when it's convenient

Oh bullshit man, you were the one who chewed out Kyouraku for being an idiot for telling you what his power is and that you weren't looking for a fair fight ! But because Kubo needs to pull a random powerup for you out of his ass this suddenly becomes a thing.

I would advise our readers to say goodbye to Lille being a sniper. Because that's pretty much a non-fact from this point onwards.

Oh and if you open your eyes three times during "one fight" you can keep them open for good ? What exactly constitutes a fight ? What if someone else attacked you while you were fighting Kyouraku, would that make your counter go down to zero ? Or if your opponent ran off without you defeating him, would that just stay permanently at 3 ? You make about as much sense as a mogwai.

Also because the completely arbitrary requirements have been met Lille gets to morph into his super form. Would you want to know what that is ?

Totally aerodynamically sound

Of course it's a goofy nonsensical thing. Every black dude in this series always turns into a big ugly stupid thing. Zommari became a pumpkin, blind Shinigami dude turned into a fly and Pepe turned into a winged Santa Claus with a way too revealing thong on. Only one that escaped this fate was Nanana Racistkoop and that's only because he got offed before Kubo could turn him into a flying toaster or something.

Anyways the chapter ends with Lillbot shooting Kyouraku a bunch and we're supposed to think he's super seriously down for the count for reals this time.

Chapter 647 starts with a wait a minute....

At the end of the previous chapter you couldn't move and got a frontal hit. Did Lille just deactivate the power that made you unable to move after you got hit ?

We switch scene to see what everyone else is doing: namely running. Because plot in this series consists of people standing in place explaining abilities and people running until they run into someone they can stand at and explain their abilities to. This time they run into The Unmemorable Cosplayer Guy aka Thordude and Renji actually thinks he can take someone head on.

It's like watching a three legged puppy trying to take on a pack of Siberian Tigers

Dude last time Kubo gave you a one on one fight you made Bleach's ratings sink like the Titanic. He ain't giving you another one. Hell even there two other guys already fought the guy before so you could make the argument he was worn out !

Back in the one fight that will take the majority of screentime for weeks on end because Kubo has no idea how to divide his attention equally between different events, Kyouraku tries cutting down Lille with a Kido blade, it does nothing and then he decides to activate his ability. Seeing what it is, why did he have to wait until he lost a third of his blood before he started to use it ?

Chapter 648: After we see Ichigo stare down Askin wondering how Grimmjow could have lost to someone so non-threatening, literally the entire Palace gets absorbed into Kyouraku's bankai. One wonders if, seeing as it has that much of an area of effect, why he didn't bother using it earlier regardless how far away he was from the others but thinking is for smart people.

Also Lille's legs now are frickin amazing

Not sure if this is Kubo screwing up the perspective but it appears they're now welded to a four pointed trident (quatrident ?) and it appears they're not even properly centered and there's an extra bit jutting out to his right/back ?

After chatting Kyouraku up a bit Lille proceeds to slice off big holes off of Bach's remodelled Palace and then somehow gets a big chunk blown out of him so apparently the suit is now also his body.

And seeing as how his Bankai makes the opponent get the same wounds as they give to Kyouraku, why didn't he use this while he was getting made into swiss cheese again ?

But not only does Kyouraku's Bankai allow him to make things dark and give identical wounds to his enemies as ones he got himself.....also he can apparently somehow manifest someone's dying regret over self-inflicted battle injuries as an incurrable disease.

 

If you don't see how these things are all obviously thematically connected I truly pitty your sub Level 46 secrecy initiation level

And then his final form....submerges them both underwater until either of their reiatsu runs out.

Okay you apparently inflicted the dude with an "incurrable disease", why did you feel you then had to dunk the pair of your underwater until someone goes out cold ? Seems kind of counterproductive to me. Unless said "disease" was either not lethal or would take like 5-6 years to kill Lille off, in which case what was the point again ?

Hole of Reproach Announcement ish sorta thing

Just a quick headsup, the summary of the last three chapters will be going up soon, just a lot of irl work related issues got in my way. Yesterday night was certainly nothing to write home about, leaving an apartment that's a total mess due to no fault of your own to go work in the cellars for two hours to come back at half past midnight is not fun.

Sorry for the inconvenience, especially to all the seemingly random viewers we got from Moldova and Iraq and such, because I'm not doing much to keep that audience at the moment XD

Hole of Reproach: Handpun²

We start 637 off where we left off, with Kenpachi being a comatose vegetable cause of his super efficient strategy of "ima gonna run at it".

Apparently Mayuri seems to have intended that to happen as he blabs on about Zaraki's "noble sacrifice".

Sacrifice, human experimentation, potato potahto

Ikkaku objects but at least he wasn't used as a bomb like Mayuri did with his own soldiers against Ichigo way back when. An act he is yet to receive any kind of comeuppance for.

Then Pernida sheds it's cloak and reveals

OF COURSE ! The only thing capable of challenging the power of Kubo's Mystery Foot is a Mystery Hand.

Mayuri's analysis of the situation seems sound

....except

Oh well you can't expect Kubo to remember something he drew earlier this arc. And of course this means another two "surprising" plot twists relating to the Soul King's feet.

Of course during this whole chapter Mayuri's just standing around talking, as in all his fights, which is sure convenient for Kubo, because he's too tired from having his nails done so much.

I will say that Pernida is hands down the best of the remaining Quincies (?) purely because he's not a totally bland dude dressed in stupid looking clothes with poorly defined powers. And the look on "his" "face" when Mayuri's lost in his own little world is priceless.

638 has Mayuri waste even more time mohzting off, until Pernida has enough and just tries to smash him.

You never shut up and you're dressed like a walking sunflower. YOU DIE NOW

A good point to bring up is how Mayuri, who personally commited Genocide against the Quincies in the past for his own amusement, is not apparently not someone the Sternritter specifically care about. I mean I know Bach can't be arsed not to maim his own subordinates for immensely petty reasons, but you'd think the other Quincies would give a shit. Then again that would require them to have a personality.

Pernida uses it's nerves to make giant stone hands to squish Mayuri but he's unharmed cause he's apparently wearing "exploding armour".

Now I'm no doctor or anything but we've already seen that, despite not being alive, these people are still made of bones and have blood they need to survive. Kenpachi almost died as a result of this and was only saved by Urahara Science. And while Mayuri Science is just as bullshit, he's wearing stuff that explodes on his body. No amount of "I rearranged my organs" can justify how that's not a bad thing.

And he then avoids landing on Pernida's net of nerves by using "Hirenkyaku".

Glad he's kept this to himself, so the other shinigami couldn't use it.

Mayuri decides to "take a sample" so he blows off one of Pernida's fingers, but it becomes self aware and attacks him.....

Of course. Cause we couldn't possibly have Mayuri be hurt in any way shape or form by any attack from any enemy, ever.

I mean there's bullshit lolscience and then there's being so impossibly hax that you get to "man in bat suit can beat superpowered alien with heat vision if he prepares enough" levels. Mayuri's never been in trouble during any of his fights in the past, so there's not much reason to care.

Next week, find out how Mayuri previously implanted his hands with anti hand bacteria which will result in him defeating Pernida without having to move another muscle.

Hey it's no more dumb then Hollow Antibodies.

Hole of Reproach: Now on 3 for 1 Discount

Yes I have George Orwelled the previous announcement somewhat, but I've been trying to ward off the very real danger of melting into my constituent particles over here, gimme a break : P So prepare for a once-in-a-lifetime event of me summing up three Bleach chapters in one post.

I accept all types of credit cards.

CHAPTER 634 The One Where Bazz is really really beat this time, Honest.

So Bazboy gets his ass kicked further which forces him to have yet another flashback (insert flashback counter gag) 

We found out that when he did get his sorry ass to join the Sternritter, Hasch was already a captain there. So Bazz tried to provoke him to a fight, with Hasch's retort being

Cause that totally explains why Pepe and Giselle used their powers randomly on the other Sternritter to attack and kill them.

Cause Sternritter never fight each other.

Sounds legit to me.

Also learning that is apparently the only reason for extending the Flashback which no one asked for as Quincie Renji gets his arm ripped off and is beaten effortlessly by Haschwalt.

And here I thought that the guy who'se fingers are on fire can have a shot against the right hand man of God. Who would of guessed ?

Chapter 635 The Oh Crap I Have Too many Characters Chapter

Right off the bat, the effect of Kubo's "I-wrote-myself-into-a-corner-itis" are  on display

I like how the entire female Quincie squad managed to either get beat, mindraped or controlled and then when they get back to the plot, they get treated worse then Bazz B and get offscreened by Bach.

Grimmjow then ups the stupid by running up after Askin and randomly touching a projectile he throws at him instead of just moving either way.

I swear if Askin starts doing "Your Momma" jokes.....

I'm not exactly Grimmjow's biggest fan here but I wonder if people who waited those two years after his Mystery Foot sighting would consider this worth the wait.

And if you thought that was it, then prepare for the exciting action of Hisagi getting shot.

Getting mindcontrolled by Pepe to try and kill Byakuya, getting snipped off a roof, Hisagi is just growing so much as a character.

 Joke's on Gun dude though, cause this is the part where he travells back in time, dyes his hair orange and takes revenge on the dude by eating his hat.

Also I love how these guys still get treated better then Hisagi.

Seriously, who are you ?

We switch over to Mayuri and Kenpachi meeting a new enemy who'se powers are unknown to them. And you'll never guess what Kenpachi decides to do.

And what ends up happening ?

Tune in next time for more of General Kenpachi's briliant tactics.

Which is actually right now but you know what I mean:

Chapter 636: The Kenpachi is Really Dumb Hour

So Kenpachi was never exactly a mental giant. However after last week the situation gets worse, so much so that the inflatable head thing starts to yank at Kenpachi's broken arm so much he has to rip it off. 

If only Orihime was around, they could arbitrarily reject her healing his arm right away and not have to wait until after the fighting like with Yamamoto.

Mayuri proceeds to explain he doesn't have any idea what the thing's powers are (while hammering in that stupid "Are you asking me or talking to yourself" shtick) and then General Patton over here decides

And again I ask, how does that go ?

It's almost like he's a terribly written character or something.

Mayuri having to bail the idiot out of course. You know, Unohana would be rolling in her grave if she got one, since Kenpachi, after she died to awaken his Shikai, only managed to beat one guy because he imagined his imaginary body to be stronger then what it could take (no matter how much time passes that doesn't get any less stupid), then he got beat up by the FemQuincie Squad who otherwise got totally trashed and offpanelled, and then proceeded to lose an arm to avoid getting killed before deciding he's gonna try and get himself killed again not twenty seconds later.

And there you have it folks, the last three weeks of Bleach. I probably would have had to do this earlier anyway, as 634 has practically nothing worth talking about.

Next week, Nanao falls over a discarded bag of chips and Okikiba accidentally chokes on a pickle.

Hole of Reproach Update

Sorry we hit a bit of slump, I intend to focus on last week's chapter on Tuesday and then work on the one for this week after that, it may come out close to the other one but I don't want to combine anything.

Of course watch me not do it and set myself up to look like a total fuckup to all you future people. : P

So yeah, a quick message to say yes, I am still doing HOR, just the heat's set it again and it's really hard to think when you don't have a cooling fan.